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 Review #4540282 |
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| (5.0)  Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Good morning, Sijil  , and welcome to WdC. For the record, my real name is Jack Tyler, and I am a former steampunk author who has transitioned to horror, but I try to review a wide variety of styles and genres. While I have a few books in print, I am neither a famous author nor a renowned critic. I'm just a guy with an opinion that I'm here to share, and if you disagree with anything I say here, remember that the only opinion that matters is yours. I should explain that I use this review template in which I discuss my views on the important areas of quality storytelling, then compare your work to my own beliefs on the matter. As I said, I'm no authority, but hopefully my comments will give you some ideas to take your writing in directions you hadn't previously considered. Let me just drop a warning here, and we'll get started. THIRD-PARTY READERS TAKE NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD PRESENTATION: This aspect deals with the first impression your story makes when a reader clicks on the title. Call it the cosmetics. I'll be looking at abstract items from text density to scene dividers in a effort to ferret out any unfortunate habits that might cause a reader to move on without actually reading anything; before you can dazzle him with your show, you have to get him into the tent!  I dropped this rating to four stars because any work, fact or fiction, needs paragraphs, or in the case of poetry, which this is, stanzas. These are vital for any reader to organize the progression of thoughts and ideas into a coherent narrative. I didn't realize this was a poem until started noticing rhyming words several lines in. I know, it says Poetry in the categories, but I often overlook these as I don't want to color my opinions with any preconceptions.I noticed that in line 5, you lessen the impact by saying "this g-d damned game." Later in the text you drop an F-bomb. This means that your rating has to be 18+, so you might as well give it the full impact by saying "God damned." You need to up the rating soon, as eventually a mod will find it and fix it for you, an embarrassing moment, I can tell you from experience. Finally, you have used the default WdC format, which you are not being penalized for. This is more in the nature of a suggestion. If you place this command line – {font:verdana}{size:3.5}{linespace:1.4} – it will open up that dense wall of text and make it look essentially like this review. I think you'll like it, and I guarantee your readers will. The default text can be very intimidating to a reader with less than optimal eyesight. STORY: This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. You should note that if you're reading this review, it means you've garnered decent to high marks in this category, or I would have moved on to something more engaging. I will try to explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination, so congratulations; you've done something well already. Now let's examine the individual parts of the whole and see what makes it successful. We'll begin with the story itself, the theme, the flow, the impact, to see what made me stay instead of clicking on to the next one. I guess in a poem I should call this the Subject, but by any name, this is a powerful depiction of a terrible affliction, and brings home with immediacy what sufferers go through. I don't know what your opinion of this piece is, but as an outsider reading it, I feel the pain that you must experience when the lights go down. This is a magnificent piece of work.I usually review fictional stories, and go on for quite a while about CHARACTERS: and SETTINGS: These have little place in a poem of this nature, so I'll move on. MECHANICS: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period, and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good, and this is the section that deals with that.  There are only a couple of little hiccups. First is your use of ellipses (...). You write these as so...your. There should be a space after them, thus: so... your.That's a nothing point. What jarred me a bit was your use of parentheses in this phrase: you see the faces of those (that are, and those that) should still be here. I don't see a need for them at all, but if you're going to use them, the thought would be more complete with them around the phrase (that are, and those that should still be here). Either way, these are very minor issues. I sometimes have a dozen or more lines of corrections for works of this size, so make no mistake, you've done very well. SUMMARY: The bottom line is that this is a powerful treatment of a dark and difficult subject, and the little nick on the rating is for the less important aspects of a story well-told. I hope that I have presented my opinions in a way that is constructive, and that you will find helpful to your endeavors going forward. It is never my intention to belittle anyone's efforts or discourage them from following the dream that I have found so fulfilling for the last six decades. In any case, if I can leave you with one thought to take with you, let it be this: Don't forget to have the fun! So many young and/or beginning writers get so caught up in the daily word count, the quest for publication, and the often conflicting advice of other writers that they forget to enjoy the journey. You may or may not become the next Big Celebrity Author, but you will always have the experience. Make sure it's a good one! Read well, and write better,  Jack If you found these opinions useful or interesting, allow me to extend my invitation to visit my blog,
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 03/30/2020 @ 8:26pm EDT