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Review #4535939
Viewing a review of:
 The Swimming Competition Open in new Window. [ASR]
Twelve years old Luca is taking part in a swim competition, only he really has to pee.
by Danshi Author Icon
Review by Angus Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*

Greetings, Danshi!
This isn't bad, especially for your first piece on here. It's certainly different, but not bad! *Laugh*
You did a nice job with the setting at the pool, as well as prolonging poor Luca's agony as he stood up there on that platform waiting for his dam to burst! In fact, if I would have had a full bladder while reading this, I probably would have run to the bathroom! *Laugh*
Kind of like reading about some delicious dinner and you hear your stomach start to rumble!
Great spelling and telling, and that ending was perfect! And honestly, who can say they never peed in a pool before? *Wink*
Sorry to be so picky, but I do have a few comments and suggestions:
'Twelve year(s) old Luca'
“Nervous?”(,) his trainer’s voice startled Luca and he jumped.' (don't need commas if you used another punctuatin mark-there's a few other spots in this where a comma isn't needed)
'In his mind, it the kid moved slow as molasses'
'He bend down onto all fours in starting position' (bent)
Otherwise, good job!
Kee ponw ritin gon, Danshi, and welcome to WdC! If you like to write, then you're going to love it here!
PS-You might want to get your bioblock (biography) set up so we can know a little something about you (hobbies, favorite books/authors, location, etc.), but that's up to you, of course.
PPS-And since you’re new here, perhaps you’d like to check out "Noticing Newbies" Open in new Window. and introduce yourself to the rest of the community if you haven’t already.

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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4535939