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What Caught My Eye

To be honest, the image caught my attention more than anything else. THEN the title/description got me to click. I like to read and review newbies and poetry, so here we go.

Favorite Aspects

I like the "you smoke my love like weed" line. It's a cute spin on the typical "my love is a drug" theme.

Hook
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.

The title and description did NOT prepare me at all for the cutesy rhyming first stanza... or the "tear"... why? Why are you crying there? Nothing in the poem supports that as an opening line. It also sets up a rhyme scheme that isn't in the poem. If you're going to use end line rhyme, it's most effective to choose a rhyme scheme and stick with it. You've got:

aaaa bcbc ddee

That's not a pattern. The reader has no idea at all what to expect when reading, which makes the rhyme ineffective and distracting. Simple fix: Choose a scheme and go with it:

aaaa bbbb cccc
abab cdcd efef
aabb ccdd eeff

That is what it would be if you were consistent with any one of the rhyme schemes for each stanza.

Language / Word Choice

There are some moments that shine and some moments that umm.. make no sense to me. "Wild drive"? That would work if you had been in a car or on a road trip throughout. As it is, the end is confusing.

The repetition of "wild" feels forced too. Nothing in this seemed wild to me at all... seems like a Tuesday. Some weed and beer... with the person you love. Cool... sounds mellow to me. If you want this to seem wild, maybe speeding down the highway for the thrill... while drinking and smoking and being wild... that image would work much better.

Flow / Rhythm

The flow is pretty decent here. A few minor hiccups for me, but overall, it's tight. Not something it seems like you're gonna struggle with much.

Imagery

I could have used some imagery... some metaphor... some figurative language. This is all sorta... matter-of-fact statements.

Originality

Nothing seems super original here. Like... I think the originality will come from making it personal. One moment in time that was unique to these two people. Because I gotta tell you... this sounds like me and my friends and like... anyone at all could have written this same thing.

Effect

Overall, I think this is a good start. It isn't super emotive or specific enough to feel like something I've not read before... but it was a fun enough little read. It's definitely a first draft, which is why my rating is what it is. Good luck with future drafts/poems!





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .