Welcome to WDC!

What Caught My Eye

I like to review newbies, and you're a newbie. So I decided to give it a look.

Favorite Aspects

I like the... sort of awareness that the narrator has that this is a dream.

Beginning & End
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

I wouldn't have kept reading after the first sentence if I wasn't planning to review it. It's little things like... the lack of italics/quotes for internal dialogue... the misspelling of "glaring"... the extra words that aren't needed (like "a glaring and a glorifying" instead of "a glaring and glorifying"-- I like the phrasing on it though, by the way).

I'm guessing English isn't your first language? I've edited papers written by multiple people, none of whom spoke the same native language... I tend to recognize the signs. You have some here. "with a terrifying blazes" rather than "in a terrifying blaze", for instance... it's nuanced language. You'll pick it up if you keep after it.

Plot

It's cute... a daydream of power and grandeur leading to almost a whimsical delusion that it will come true, as the guy leaves for his real life job. It's nice.

Character(s)

The narrator could be personified a bit more to make the reader relate to him, but it's a good start.

Language

The awe/terror/glaring negative view mixed with positive is a bit odd. I sorta like it anyway though, since it's so unusual. I'd take another look at it anyway.

Setting

Setting would have helped. The setting for the daydream AND the setting for the real world. Both would have helped a whole lot.

Dialogue

The dialogue (even to himself) is super stilted and doesn't feel like a natural thing to say. It makes for an amusing read though.

Effect

Overall, I think this is a cute little rough draft that needs some work to be really functional. I found some good in it, but it was hard to read. That's why my rating is what it is. Good luck with any revisions!





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .