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What Caught My Eye

I do love creepy old circus stuff. And this felt like it would be that, given the description. I was thinking like... horror movie.

Favorite Aspects

I love that you took it dark. Definitely the best part.

Hook
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.

The hook works in a way but could be better. It sets up the creepy tone... good. A few things to improve it:

"music fills the night" - simplify and make it active
creepy - show us the creepy or describe it in a creepy way instead?

I would make the child's laugh the music. Circus music "like a child's tinny laugh" something about the unsteadiness of it... and the hollow metal sound. It's those types of things that would make this piece stand out.

Why is the child's laugh filled with "blight"..? And to be honest, pretty sure that word choice doesn't work in context at all. It just reads weird and forced for the rhyme. Also... same as the first line... "pierces" to make it active and a complete statement.

Language / Word Choice

This is so short, and it STILL has unneeded junk in it. "teeth ear to ear" is a strong image. "smiling faces" is boring AND unnecessary, since teeth ear to ear is obviously a sinister smile. Use every bit of space for effect...

You can't smear a grin. Sorry. Why not make it a circus image? "painted grins their fingers smear". Like a clown, yeah?

I think two lines both of which just have an image of smiles is a bit weak too. Again, use the space wisely.


"We'd really love it if you'd go"

You'd go to come? Not great. It feels like you just lost steam at the end and wrote some obvious, dull stuff to wrap it up. Give us an image for that too... the tamer welcomes you to the lion's jaws... or the clown outstretches polka dots to welcome... or... something. Anything more interesting, less repetitive, and more effective that the last 4 lines.

This also feels like the rhyme isn't needed to me. It feels like it's getting in the way, but I understand that not everyone feels comfortable with free verse.

Effect

Alright, I see promise in here. I really do. You have some interesting word choice in the first stanza. This is very obviously a first draft... that's reflected in my rating. No worries... I have worse poems than this in my portfolio. I think I'll be back to see what you've got in your portfolio... if you don't want more reviews though, do let me know. Not everyone wants critiques like this. Cheers!





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .