Greetings, Safely anonymous !

Welcome to our little creative writing party. Your are off to a great start by populating your port with items for public review. The following comments are offered in response to your request for "opinions and criticism" in the spirit of friendly hospitality and constructive support, but they are nothing more than one man's opinions, so take them or leave them for whatever you think they may be worth.

TITLE:

Like the names of your children, a title gives your story a specific identity. It is also a critical element of your composition, because it is the portal through which a prospective reader must pass to enter the realm of your imagination. It sets the tone and prepares the reader for what is to come. If that entrance does not spark some sort of interest, chances are he or she will move along to the next item, or maybe even the next author.

The title assigned to this tale sparks a sense of curiosity, as the random browser wonders, "What triggers, and what do they trigger?"

OPENING HOOK:

Once you have lured prospective readers into your lair, your opening lines present another challenge: either hooking them or losing them.

The first sentence quickly establishes a sense of danger to capture your audience's attention with your narrator's extreme attempt to remain undetected.

SETTING:

Imagery is the lifeblood of any story. Like a craftsman carving, molding, painting, and polishing wood, stone, clay, or some other material, the creative writer uses words to shape and paint pictures which present some lyrical impulse or spiritual truth. Rather than TELLING the audience about those feelings, the author SHOWS the impressions through distinct images that project emotional overtones and associations with other images and events. In this way, the storyteller stirs an emotional response from the reader.

The sparse details, such as the "heel to toe on the bare carpet," and the application of figurative imagery, such as the simile "My legs feel like noodles," take your readers into this space to share the experience in a vicarious manner.

CHARACTERIZATION:

The narrator's father and siblings are described through bits and pieces sprinkled throughout the narrative in a way that does not hinder progression of the story. As the reader gets more and more details about these people, he can see their true nature.

PLOT:

The first paragraph introduces the narrator's motivation to escape along with a hint of the obstacles to achieving that goal, and that hint soon turns to stark reality when more details about the "enemy" are provided.

NARRATIVE:

The narrative moves smoothly at a good pace as your narrator makes her escape from the home with the threat of recapture still in front of her.

However, the shifting from present tense to past tense and back again several times in the latter part of the episode is a bit distracting, causing the reader to pause again and again to refocus.

PICKY COPY EDIT ITEMS:

1. In the third paragraph, I believe "sleeping walking" should be "sleep-walking."

2. In the eighth paragraph, "You don't get a pillow or blanket and more often then (should be "than") not your (should be "you're") cold."

3. The fourteenth paragraph is where the shifting tense begins.

4. In the 22nd paragraph, an apostrophe is needed for the contraction of "father is" in the phrase "well my fathers a respected detective..."

5. In the 23rd paragraph, another apostrophe is needed to reflect the possessive case in the phrase "And as I am one of my father(')s children..."

6. In the next to last paragraph, "As I'm walking I hear a truck coming up behind it." The "it" reference needs to be clarified.

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

You have established the situation very clearly and the word "almost" in the last sentence serves as the perfect segue to propel the narrative into the next chapter. Write on!

Let the creativity flow from your soul!
Dave
"The Poet's Place " 

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .