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Review #4523530
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Rated: | (5.0)
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Hi Tara! Nixie here. I found your story using the read and review option.

First Impression
The title and brief description give the author their first opportunity to draw in a reader. (Also, we try to help new members by reviewing. So we'll generally stop by.)

So, the title gave no clues, open to interpretation, my preferred method. And the brief description, a little hint, just enough to snag your reader. *Checkg*

Down the stanzas
I wanted to get a grip on this poem from the beginning, but so far all I imagine is a woman (?) driving. That spurs me on to read more.

Second stanza I struggled with. I understand the significance of the third line, but it didn't come across as clean and clear. Maybe because this is the only time past tense is seen. I wonder if taking out 'at least' would help. Is there a way to lose the passive verb [was] completely?

She's seeing walls crash and burn in her mind, yes?

Third stanza the first line is of the most important. Fix this quickly before someone else sees it. *Laugh*

This is my stat to
This is my start

Fourth stanza
The first line sticks out even further than the one in the second stanza. It's the poet's vision, in my mind I like poems to appear balanced. Or at least longer lines set off from the others. Purely opinion.

The reader needs a crisp image to see what's happening at this pivotal point.
"This story's just ending" might be clearer written as One story's just ending

Oops
Do you want a period at the end of every stanza? Only the first and last have periods.

Closing comments
Wow. I'm opinionated today. I rarely offer alternate words to poets. But, you know what? I only get this involved when the work I'm reading touches me.

You knocked this message right over the backstop into free air with the last stanza. (You can probably guess the one line that sticks out bugs me.)*Laugh*

I wanted to cheer in exultation during that last stanza and line. The thought of finding a new road, getting out before it's too late? Very powerful message. Some couples stay together for the wrong reasons and then it's too late. Overall? Nicely done.



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