Hi there again! Yeah, we all need different perspective sometimes when it comes to poetry. Especially emotional ones, sometimes. At least yours is about choices in punctuation, not that you don't know how I am not so great at it so have a grain of salt. But poetry... how do I love thee

If you don't put this into genres, how can you get cross-nominated for a Quill? True that. You want to say first and foremost that it's non-fiction or you will get people telling you once in a while about plot (in poetry? Pretty much! Well, I do). So, if I am talking about myself or those that were in my life I use AUTOBIO. Experience, too, although I use it for more when I don't remember every single detail accurately. That will also put this into the right Quills category. Yes, I liken genres to the Quills... it's something that clicks with my memory I guess.

2nd category: Dark, Death, Emotional (as you have it). 3rd: Work, Relationship, Friendship. Dunno if WORK is a category but it should be...

You may want to use the {quote} and {/quote} tags for this.

*looks up spoken word poem* It sounds like it is used strictly with spoken poetry? So it wouldn't necessarily be written down? It's more a definition for perhaps campfire stories and poetry, or handing down traditions through the 'spoken word' which is the only place I've ever heard of it. However, you likely know more, just two cents worth on that. Free verse has largely taken over the spoken word in content I think that free verse can suffice. I always go with diction and tone, at least I try to... HOWEVER if you do a READING of this on utube, then you can embed the video herein and it would make sense! Plus, it'd be nice. I have some of those if you need any instructions, it's not actually that hard especially if you happen to use an ipad .

I moved the last sentence up to the first as a titilation I guess, and left the other sentence down there that ties it up neatly:

I never would have expected
the first dead body I'd wash
would be the patient I loved most.

It tells us the punchline, yes, she is dead; but is it really the subject of this poem? Nah, Joyce's impact on YOU is the subject, and her behaviors. So you aren't really keeping it secret for any good reason—there's no big reveal because we are interested in how she lived, not how she died. Plus, then we have more pathos as we learn how funny she was and how you came to care for her, knowing she will die and you will have to tend to her... What can I say? I enjoy the intricacies of poetry involving death and dramatic issues...


Dread consumed this fledgling aid
upon entering Joyce's room.

I would:

Dread consumed this fledgling aid
upon entering Joyce's room.

This is the conundrum: The two ways I hear the line breaks are like this:

Dread consumed this fledgling aid upon entering Joyce's room. Because it just reads like a sentence. OR

Consumed with dread
this fledgling aid
entered Joyce's room.

I am not you, so word and line breaks are totally up to your inner voice. Just an example.


"NO!" and a rich vocabulary of profanity
survived Alzheimer's brain cell holocaust
in the mirage of an ancient feeble woman.

That first line... it strays too much from poetry IMO. If you want to use direct quotes on the no, then you may need to follow it up with more of a transition. If you use non quotes it makes it easier, but it IS impactful here so something along the lines of:

"NO!", preceded and her rich profanity-vocabulary,
veteran of Alzheimer's-brain cell-holocaust left
in the mirage of an ancient, feeble woman.

I like the word play lots. (Not sure on my comma after NO.)


Her gait may have been unsteady,
but her aim was still true.

When her wizened hand gripped her cane,
arthritis-knuckles reddened; (It MIGHT be whitened, as they do when gripping?)
with a swift control swing of the weapon,
she demanded autonomy. NICE

Flaunting a defiant smirk, she escaped
to the Sunroom church service,
without an incontinence brief,
wearing two bolero hats,
and her dress inside out.

Because this is a mouthful, I would try:

Flaunting a defiant smirk,
she escaped to the Sunroom church service:
without an incontinence brief,
wearing two bolero hats,
and her dress inside out. MAN! You must've been like THAT JOYCE!


The clash of our wills prevailed
until that the day she shined beamed her trust
by handing me her brush
(suggest albeit here) with a snaggle-toothed grin.


Each day thereafter,
an outreached hand
was all the urging I (or, 'this aid') needed—
(might want the word plus here in place of 'and') and patience, with a smile—
Joyce taught me that. SHLD 'that' be 'this' for verb tense?


There was a similarity to myself among us
in her wondering to the crowd's corner, DO YOU MEAN wAndering?
found by in the intense blue eyes
people-watching beneath the (suggest 'that' instead of 'the') black bolero.


It wasn't a surprise to learn (suggest 'how')
before arthritis crippled her hands (suggest: need emdash or parenthesis here)
that also once held three children (ending here)
she was an artist, too.


That artist's heart was shown to me; (period here as being an artist doesn't correlate with saying I love you)
Our day never ended without "I love you" (comma)
even after the fall.

(A broken hip means death when your you're eighty-six.)

I added the last line in parentheses because it kinda comes out of nowhere now, but it still sums up the first line nicely here so i wouldnt remove it. You *may* want to move it up one line as it is related to the 'after the fall' line above.


This is how I would do it, well at the minimum as we all have our own ways of writing and polishing the presentation. Some words I changed may not be grammatically necessary, but I felt sufficiently like they should be changed to suggest it, for the meaning and all. I don't do many more in-depth reviews and can't recall doing any for you before, so don't worry if you don't agree, I ain't gonna check on ya! But do let me know when you have completed this to your satisfaction so I can enjoy reading it again.

Great! I have bad hips, when people ask what will happen if I break one, I'm like umm... six month's in a nursing home with rehab and hopefully that's that. If not, syanara, baby! So far I am very fortunate... and I try super hard not to fall. I have a disease that causes my 47 year old age to accelerate, bone-wise at least. They don't get the turmoil to the system they can cause, and the surgery survival is only one part.

Thanks for sharing your friendship with Joyce. I like her! I'd say, Whata Pip

Adrie



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .