Curiosity [ASR] Cameron's mom tells him to go down to the cellar. What he finds was not what he expected. |
Hello, Dreamy Wood I found you on the author's page, and since you are a newbie (welcome to writing.com!) I thought I would check out your portfolio. My Impression This is an interesting short story. It's creepy and mysterious. I was curious why Cameron was down there, besides looking for something that the mother said was down there. Plus, I didn't get any sense of what Katie was doing down there or what she could possibly want. Was she a threat? This story could have been scary if that element were more firmly in place. I'm not sure if horror was the intent, though. I think with some fleshing out, this story could shine. Suggestions There's a lot of passive voice here, so I would watch how often the word "was" appears here. Most times this can be fixed just by using a stronger verb. Also, this story sometimes switches from past tense to present tense. I would recommend using Grammarly (a free Google add-on) to help point out little things like comma usage and things like that. Grammar/Punctuation/Usage I found some issues as I was reading through, so I'll post them here. “It wan't that hard to break into the cellar.” wasn’t “Through my shoes comma I could feel…” “It was very musty, yes, but underneath that commathere…” “My shoes left the ground as I fell to the ground,” No typos here, but “ground” is too repetitive. “ I wanted to ask, but I figured that be too weird,” that “would” be too weird. “She finishes her statement with a finality that only spurs off of complete confidence. “ This sentence switches from past tense to present tense. “The light in front of me grew larger, but it's flickering quality remains.” ”remains” is present tense. This is a past tense story “With another startled yelp I fell to the floor, banging the back of my head against the wall as I did so.” Why does she keep falling??? “Katie had a couple of inches on me, and was dressed…” no comma is needed here. Rating Explanation I am rating this a 3.5 because of the issues noted. I will gladly reread and re-rate this story if it's ever rewritten. Again, welcome to this wonderful site, and I hope to see you around! IceSkating SugarCube
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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