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Review #4478914
Viewing a review of:
 Curiosity Open in new Window. [ASR]
Cameron's mom tells him to go down to the cellar. What he finds was not what he expected.
by Dreamy Wood Author Icon
Review of Curiosity  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
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Hello, Dreamy Wood Author Icon

I found you on the author's page, and since you are a newbie (welcome to writing.com!) I thought I would check out your portfolio.

*FlowerP*My Impression*FlowerP*
This is an interesting short story. It's creepy and mysterious. I was curious why Cameron was down there, besides looking for something that the mother said was down there. Plus, I didn't get any sense of what Katie was doing down there or what she could possibly want. Was she a threat? This story could have been scary if that element were more firmly in place. I'm not sure if horror was the intent, though. I think with some fleshing out, this story could shine.

*FlowerP*Suggestions*FlowerP*
There's a lot of passive voice here, so I would watch how often the word "was" appears here. Most times this can be fixed just by using a stronger verb. Also, this story sometimes switches from past tense to present tense. I would recommend using Grammarly (a free Google add-on) to help point out little things like comma usage and things like that.

*FlowerP*Grammar/Punctuation/Usage*FlowerP*
I found some issues as I was reading through, so I'll post them here.
“It wan't that hard to break into the cellar.” wasn’t
“Through my shoes comma I could feel…”
“It was very musty, yes, but underneath that commathere…”
“My shoes left the ground as I fell to the ground,” No typos here, but “ground” is too repetitive.

“ I wanted to ask, but I figured that be too weird,” that “would” be too weird.
“She finishes her statement with a finality that only spurs off of complete confidence. “ This sentence switches from past tense to present tense.

“The light in front of me grew larger, but it's flickering quality remains.” ”remains” is present tense. This is a past tense story

“With another startled yelp I fell to the floor, banging the back of my head against the wall as I did so.” Why does she keep falling???

“Katie had a couple of inches on me, and was dressed…” no comma is needed here.


*FlowerP*Rating Explanation*FlowerP*
I am rating this a 3.5 because of the issues noted. I will gladly reread and re-rate this story if it's ever rewritten. *Smile*

Again, welcome to this wonderful site, and I hope to see you around!

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