Hi! My name is Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈 , and I'm here to review your entry in the "Show, Don't Tell Contest" 

Item Reviewed: "A Day In The Life..." 
Author 💙 Carly-wrimo 2024
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Our contest has multiple judges, and final rankings are always the result of a group process. Remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
You did a great job building tension as Roscoe surveys the chaos in his home. The way you released that tension was awesome and unexpected! Nice job.

                                                             
Effective showing of the information in the prompt.
(25 points out of 30)
For the most part you did a good job here, except for a subtle point. There are several instances where Roscoe "felt," "took in" or otherwise "sensed" something. It's almost always more immediate and intimate for the readers to directly describe what he sensed. You've done a great job establishing Roscoe as the point-of-view character, so readers will readily infer that whatever you describe is something he "sensed." If you want to emphasize he sensed it, you can always have him react--which you do in several places. So, you'll see several places in the line-by-line remarks where I've tagged these "I felt..." phrases.

                                                             
First Paragraph
(15 points out of 20)
Starting in media res--in the middle of action--is almost always good advice. Your opening, however, starts with a mini-flashback: "I'd left at 5:30..." I think it would be stronger to place the morning's departure in the here-and-now, having him kiss her goodbye, and maybe even having her wake and tell him what she plans to do do for the day--information that appears a couple of paragraphs down in another mini-flashback. I think it would be stronger still to start your story with Roscoe's arrival home, discovering the mess. He can be anticipating the aromas of homemade bread and stew, only to be met with the noxious vomit stench.

Flashbacks can be an author's friend, but they disrupt the linear flow of events. That's especially challenging in a short story, where the readers are just becoming accustomed to your fictional world. I'd suggest rephrasing where possible to avoid disrupting the here-and-now, and especially to avoid narrating past events.


                                                             
Creativity and Originality
(15 points out of 15)
The messy house was part of the scenario. YOu used it to show the loving relationship between Ruby and Roscoe. That was unexpected and brilliant.

                                                             
Effective showing--as opposed to telling--for the whole story
(13 points out of 15)
Mostly did a great job here, but see above for "I felt/sensed" phrases.

                                                             
Plot and Pacing
(10 points out of 10)
Awesome here.

                                                             
Technical Proficiency (such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading, and following the contest rules)
(8 points out of 10)
A couple of minor typos--see the line-by-line remarks.

                                                             
Total Points
86 points out of 100

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I liked your story, and especially liked the positive ending. Thanks for sharing!!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
I could already feel the heaviness of the dayMy Comment: Phrases like "I felt" tell rather than show what he's feeling. If, instead, you'd said, "The heaviness of the day weighed on me," that shows "heaviness" acting on him--although I'm not sure what "heaviness" means in this case. Humidity? Or just general miasma from a bad night's sleep?

BTW, if you want to emphasize he "felt" it, you can have him react in some way--stretching, for example, or wiping sweat from his brow. .

She had said that was one of her plans for today, My Comment: There's a mini-time-reversal here. A nonlinear time flow runs the risk of pulling readers out of the here-and-now of ongoing events.

But when I walked in the door, I was met with chaos. My Comment: Passive voice. Perhaps "chaos confronted me..."

A retched stench greeted me and I almost gagged as I came in the side door.My Comment: I think you meant "wretched," but I'm uncertain. "Retch" is, of course, a verb meaning "vomit," and "retched" would be the past tense, so I think you might mean the "stench of vomit..."

The retched smell had not abated, My Comment: Here, I'd suggest "retching" to make the verb "retch" into an adjective.

I could feel my nails biting into my flesh.My Comment: "I could feel..." -- see above.

My eyes took in the dishes piled high in the sink, abandoned.My Comment: I'd just describe directly what he sees. You've done a great job using subjective terms and sensations, so the reader is in his head. They will infer that whatever you describe is something he has seen. Instead of filtering what he sees, it's almost always more immediate and intimate for the readers to describe it directly.

Then stood a moment to drag in lungful's of fresh air. My Comment: No apostrophe.

Hearing the television, I moved into the living roomMy Comment: This is another place where describing the sound directly is more immediate and intimate for the readers, followed by his reaction--moving to the living room.

Exhaustion seemed to drip off herMy Comment: I'd consider directly describing how she looked--dark circles under her eyes, drooping eyelids, pinched mouth, weary eyes, straggly hair, etc.

I looked down at my usually pulled together wife and felt the anger drain out of me. My Comment: another "felt."

"I'm sorry, Ruby." I wheezed out when I could finally catch my breath. "You win for worst day." I made my way over to the sofa and dropped down beside her as our chuckles mingled. My Comment: The story is really over when they manage to laugh at what's happened--that dissipates the tension you'd done such a good job building. I'd suggest wrapping things up with a short statement--like the very last sentence of your story, which tells us all will be well.. We don't really need the details you put in--we know as soon as they both laugh all will be well.


                                                             

I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Even though I'm scoring this for a contest, I'm also reviewing in part for my own edification. Thus, as is my usual policy, I have given a rating of "4" to all contest entries. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade."

Again, these are just one person's opinions. The contest has more than one judge, so you shouldn't assign inordinate weight to any one review. Regardless, remember that only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for our contest. We hope you found it to be fun and a learning experience. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .