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 Review #4477538 |
| Hi Satuawany  , I am Lorraine and I am reviewing your piece "Invalid Item"  today in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .Greetings: Hey, Chy! I was hitting Read & Review randomly, hoping for something good to come up! I stopped when I spotted the title and genres. I read the whole story before realising this was one of your items. Shows how much attention I pay.  Anywho, I realise this is for the official WdC contest, so it's too late for my review to help you with that, but hopefully, this review will help with future editing anyway! Plot: You've got a great start to this story. We're introduced to two key characters and a setting quickly and efficiently. I'm immediately intrigued by one character, and I'm hooked to the story because I want to read more about the fire sidhe and why she's journeying across a lake with a human! Fire sidhe and water don't seem to be a happy pairing! I'm curious if there is a reason the drug they use to see sidhe loses effectiveness. Is it one of those things where the taker's get used to it, and therefore it stops working? Or is it something the sidhe have done? It'd be interesting if the reason why could be dropped in. Perhaps Lhiannon could ask if Kate knows why? Also, if Lhiannon can see sidhe without the drug, I'm curious why she can't see Blue when Blue does her fading thing? Is the fading/invisibility a natural state for sidhe? Or is there natural state not invisible, and they have to put energy into becoming visible, even for the drug, and perhaps even more so without the drug? I don't know, perhaps I'm overthinking it for a short story of little over a thousand words! The ending is good. The two pairs come to some sort of agreement that they're going to try and help each other. I kind-of want to know what happens next, so I'm disappointed this is just a short story! Characterisation: We've got a few characters in this short story, and I did find myself getting confused. That could just be me not focusing correctly, I'm not sure, but I was overwhelmed by the number of characters in this short story of only just over 1000 words. There are only 4 physical characters, but there's a lot of other names brought up. For example, is naming Kate's husband necessary? He doesn't seem to be a key player here, and adding his name to the mix is just another name for me to try and remember who it belongs to. Your use of italics when Blue is addressing Shay is interesting. I'm curious if it's because she doesn't like him? That's the impression I'm getting, but I'm not sure if that was your intent. Also, yay for Shay! Although, it's spelt a little different to my own name.  I wish Shay was visible too. I'm curious how Blue and Shay might differ considering their differing powers. Also, I'm not sure we get much description of Blue. You say that her boyfriend-almost-husband chose her form, does that mean she's human looking? The only thing that makes her stand out a little is her hair? Or is there something that sets her apart as sidhe, that anybody can spot if they know about them? Setting/Imagery: As always, I love your imagery. You've definitely got a fantastic ability to describe a setting and make me feel like I'm there, and know exactly what everything looks like. The simile comparing the boat's wake to a bird, for example. Loved it! You've also got great personification describing the trees on the shoreline. I had such a clear picture of where everything was happening, I felt like I was stood beside the characters. There are a few areas, though, that I think could be more powerful. "the small, barren island. A small dock" - I think you can see it for yourself now that I've separated it from everything else. You've used small twice within 5 words to describe two different things. I'd suggest mixing this up. Spelling/Grammar: This isn't strictly spag related, it's more style-related, so feel free to ignore me here. After all, an author's writing style is completely unique to them, but there's something that caught my eye that I think could make your writing just a little smoother. I've noticed you can be quite wordy, and I think it's unnecessary sometimes. I'll grab one sentence as an example: "With some more coaxing, Kate managed to get Blue into the boat" - I feel like the some is redundant here. It doesn't really add anything to what you're trying to get across. And then managed to also seems overly wordy. The sentence would read the same as "With more coaxing, Kate got Blue into the boat." It's just things like that. It makes the story more snappy, if that makes sense? Of course, this is totally stylistic, so feel free to ignore me! Closing Thoughts: I'm glad it ended up being one of your short stories that I stopped by. I know I pointed out more improvements than positives, but I know you well enough that I hope you know that I think your writing is awesome. I just point out those things that could make it even better, but I'm still always in awe of your ability to set the scene. I think I need to take notes from you.  Thanks for the great read! Hope to read some more of your writing soon! Lorraine ** Image ID #2030559 Unavailable ** Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were going to do anyway! Robert Downey Jr.  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 04/01/2019 @ 11:35am EDT