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A review by iguanamountain --- member of "WYRM"  , A group for those dedicated to writing and reviewing speculative fiction.

The Blasphemer's Cypher
by London

Chapter 6 - The Note

Hi London, House guests are finally gone, so will work this day for reviewing The Note.
> Oh gosh, I just came online and find you revised this chapter yesterday. So I've reviewed the old one. You can compare, I guess and see where it's different. Ha!
When you know I'm due for a chapter, shoot me an email as a warning, because I'm working off-line and may have pulled the chapter several days earlier to work on it.

>>> As soon as the door closes behind her, I find the chair and collapse into it, sobbing.
If it's been several weeks since I read chapter-5, I question for a moment, who is 'her'? And starting with 'As soon as' is weak. And 'the chair' makes me think there is only one, and is that important? And 'sobbing' belongs to: I am sobbing, which is passive instead of the active: I sob.
So as a sample, restructure into an active real time, maybe like this:
>>> The Lady Margaté slams out the door leaving a string of humilations for a parting gift. Destroyed, I collapse into a chair with an agonized sob.

>>> The year Fastest left and father died, I cried so much I never want to feel another tear tarnish my cheek.
About the sentence> I cried so much I never >wanted< to...
Look at the moment from Chapter-5. This is just seconds after Margate's threats and humiliations. Would an emotionally distraught Jinxx in this moment be analyzing historically about not crying again? If you're with her IN THE MOMENT she's terrifically upset and wants to get control of herself.
(Now building on that if the historical is deleted...
>>> Despite that, I can't stop it and my chest shakes with anguish. Why am I crying? Is it fear? I'm afraid, terrified, at what Lady Margaté could do.
'Despite that' reference to history (?)The use of 'it' is a question(?)
So remove that, it, & and:
>>> I can't stop the tears. My chest shakes with anguish. Why? Is it fear? I wipe my eyes. I can't cry now. I can't-- I can't. I'm terrified at what Lady Margate threatens to do. What if she undermines our dress business?
(Here is missing Jinxx's few words about what she feels about Lady Margate. There needs to be some aggressive resistance to the bitch. Otherwise Jinxx becomes 2-dimensional about this, and we know she's not.

>>> I need to get these patterns finished so Mom can order the fabric....
This begins the recovery. And maybe start a new paragraph for the change of mood and intention.

>>> It's akin to creating an immovable object and an irresistible force.
The idea is great, but more than 'almost like'...
>>> This is an immovable object meeting an irresistible force.

>>> After a prayer begging the Lord to guide me to a good solution. I pull my book bag off my shoulders and get started.
( Note the difference from 'after the fact' to happening 'now'.)
>>> I say a prayer, begging the Lord to guide me to a good solution. I pull my book bag off my shoulders and start on the patterns.

> Always ask yourself, the writer, are you with her NOW or is she telling you what she has just done.

>>> The basic pattern mimics’s the one we used for Doña Daskeryna's last dress, but minus the scalloping, which Promysed said is passé now. We'll use taffeta instead of velvet for the bodice so Lady Sesedo feels we're doing more, without it being too much.
These sentences about trim and fabrics are not part of the pattern process. And my mind faded away from the story.

> Please note that the pattern begins with the actual body measurements, which form a shape that exactly fits the person. Exaggerations and enhancements are added after you know it fits. So I'd start with:
>>> I draw the pattern in my notebook, annotating it with the measurements.
The first phrase is active: I draw. The second phrase is passive, because a word ending with 'ing' uses 'be' words like: are annotating, is annotating, were annotating, or was annotating. If you start active, stay active by reworking the sentence.
>>> I draw the pattern in my notebook, with the measurements annotated.
OR
>>> I draw the pattern in my notebook and annotate the measurements.
The first pattern is just the customer's physical body to serve as a base for developing a garment to fit over it.

> When I was 17 I started as an undergrad assistant in the costume department at Univ.Denver. They taught me how to draft and cut patterns. This is all very reminding for me.

>>> Could anything Lady Margaté said about Pryde be true? She's so unreasonable and Pryde is working for the General Staff in Varinishíuv now.
This very next sentence is a world away from the pattern.
This begins a historical analysis of her brother, the reformers, riots, and removal of a governor. This is a very long info-dump. And it is not tied to Jinxx's emotional worrying about the truth of Margate's accusations.
Now if it was an argument with her mother or someone--- played as a shorter dialogue it might work, but as internal thoughts of Jinxx it is not believable. IF... she's working on the patterns, worrying, laying out the paper, has a worried outburst, makes a mistake, has to redo the paper, angry at self. THEN partly solves and justifies what they'll do.
But you have to write it inside her mind while doing the action. (a difficult challenge.)
The anger about the historical justification might continue with the sketching of the deadly dress. The idea sketches should come first. This would be where the additions and enhancements of fashion are illustrated in great detail. In the real process, the patterns for the additions would be then laid out on paper with seam allowances added, based on those drawings. This is usually done on a dress dummy or a physical model person. It all must refer to the original body patterns based on those original measurements with great care about fitting the bust, waist and fit of the neckline and sleeves.

I also note that Jinxx is working in the tacky work room provided at the Sesedo home. She needs a big table to lay out the paper. She'll use a tape measure, a pencil, maybe a yardstick-straight edge. And years of experience to layout and cut a functional pattern. Engineering fabric to fit over and around a human body is a mystery only known by a few people.
From Jinxx's POV, she must know all the secrets of how to do it and do it while thinking of her conflicts so that you, the writer, does not attempt to show much of the physical process. Ha!
- - - - -
She should have two goals for the day.
1. The body pattern that will exactly fit Margate.
2. Design sketch of dress ideas and detail notes.
(The rest will happen when they have the fabric)

>>> I finish with my sketch and pull the pattern paper out of my bag.
Pattern paper usually comes in a roll. It has to be smooth and flat or ironed flat. Only the pre-printed ones are folded up. Maybe she has to arrive carrying a long roll of paper. (?)

>>> I hope Mom gave me enough paper for all the patterns. I hope I don't make any mistakes.
This is not correct. She will not cut patterns for the actual dress until the EXACT DESIGN has been determined and detailed. And from her speculative thoughts, she's not made any final decisions. I don't think this is a one day process.

>>> I roll the finished patterns up and stare at my notebook.
These are just the body pattern, not the dress.
This sentence begins another long, info-dump
(The last 2 sentences are the core of this situation.)
>>> I'm certain Lady Sesedo is expecting a hoop, no matter how much I disguise it with layers. I sigh and shake my head. Something loose and simple, but also huge and complicated.

>>> I grimace when I see my child-like face. I'm shorter...
You have to lose 'when I see':
>>> I grimace at my child-like face. I'm shorter...
The rest of the paragraph is too much explanation and remembering. Editors are very touchy about mirror scenes.

>>> When I pick it up, a note falls out.
I pick it up and a note falls out.

>>> Lady Margaté has ugly, man-ish handwriting. Why did she write down a list of numbers? It’s so odd. Neither the columns nor the rows add up. The letters are in pen, but below it is erased pencil.
(Instead:)
>>> It's a list of numbers in Lady Margate's ugly, man-ish handwriting. It's so odd that she would write this. Neither the columns nor rows add up. The letters are in pen, but below it is erased pencil.
Isn't this all we need to know right now? This begins a new mystery. The rest of the details are explanation, not action.

>>> This must be some kind of math puzzle. I almost like her a bit more for having it. Almost.
And this would complete the moment. Like this line.

>>> How can I work in the swords and Stars Lady Margaté wants? Swords.
Can you cut the swords down to just 3 sentences?

>>> I spend more time than I should drawing swords, flowers, and stars, avoiding the hard part: how to make this something easy to put on and wear that will look as good or better than Lady Gredu's gowns.
Again, this is the essence of the dress detail, not the paragraphs of speculation and comparison. The story bogs down into fashion details.

>>> When I make my way out of the room with my patterns, the Beard is waiting for me at the castle gate. He thrusts out a note. "You'd better make it right."
This is part of the real action: (Without the 'When I make')
>>> I leave the room with my patterns and the Beard is waiting for me at the castle gate. He thrusts out a note. "You'd better make it right."
I like that Margate gets the last word. What an unpleasant character she is. Lovely!

The little scene with Beard is very good. He's an interesting character that always seems to be nearby.

Year Imperial 478, Éshnatinu 25

>>> Each of the eight books stacked on the library table for me this morning have covers made with a hide almost as thick as my thumb.
This is a new scene transition that needs time and place.
>>> This morning at Osmacadia's, I find eight books stacked on the library table, Each book has covers made with a hide almost as thick as my thumb.

>>> ...but often some material I've never seen before or at least seen used for books.
Double use of 'seen.'

>>> I'm pretty sure I make a skeptical face since I haven't an iota of faith I'll learn anything this way, but he doesn't react to it if I do.
This just reads odd.
I'm pretty sure I >made< a skeptical face since I haven't an iota of faith I'll learn anything this way, but he doesn't react to it if I >did.<

>>> I X up the X X X, and X to X. …
This doesn't help. I just stop in confusion. Delete.
(And this one too:)
>>> If the previous paragraph were written in Thadmaac that's what it would be like for me to read it.

>>> There's not much context to tell me anything.
Just move on from here. It makes sense.

>>> He starts smoking again, so I return to the books but am distracted by our conversation, which leads me to think about what Pra Traceu might advise, and then to how Lady Margaté would mock me, and then to remember that I haven't gotten Lady Sesedo's approval for the dress.
This is one long sentence with FOUR 'to'. Get rid of at least 2 to's.
This starts a long block of text. Boil it down and check all the words ending with 'ing'.
>smoking
>looking
>having
>anything
>thinking
>giving
>everything

>>> At siesta, I skip my nap and work on the drawings.
Siesta and nap are the same thing. One or the other...

>>> When I get to choir, Lady Margaté glares at me the moment I step through the door.
(Lose the 'When')
I arrive at the choir and Lady Margaté glares at me the moment I step through the door.

>>> As I come out of his office, I spot the Beard at the back of the pews.
Check out this block of text. You'll find many 'ing' words that need to be made active.
>>> >sitting
>composing
>watching
>taking
>looking
>writing
Then there's: >>> As I come out, as I approach, When he sees,
Just revise to straight action.

>>> What I need is two skirts.
Begins another long block of text. My mind struggles to stay focused
Another to boil down to simpler ideas. The frog concept with Lady Gredu is funny and makes a good chapter ending. However, it needs to be in the mind and words of Lady Jinxx who can be full of attitude, which we love when she does.

FINAL COMMENT: If Jinxx doesn't say it in her own words or think with her own thoughts. You, London, cannot write it. I must remind you, we are on her journey. This chapter has a lot of sentences that are beyond believable for Jinxx to think in the moment she's in. Sometimes her emotional context gets lost in remembering or historical detail. Maybe think of her as a kind of subtle, action-heroine, who is mobile on crutches and has to deal with a difficult family business and a very tough Antagonist. And under it all, she's a developing genius that Mr. Osmacadia has great plans for. She moves through three very different worlds: the choir, the seamstress business, and Mr. Osmacadia's almost magical world.
I think that transitions establishing each change of world are important to keep track of the environment of each.
Sorry about introducing the 'ing' words, but it's all part of the polish. You know, I am watching your progress and I watch your progress day to day.
Best, Gale



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .