Hi paddy1! I found your poem by searching for coffee related items as part of my challenge for "a very Wodehouse challenge" 

Thank you for sharing your photo and your poem! Since you entered this in a photo contest, I'll comment briefly on the photo as well as the poem itself. I absolutely love the color of that coffee cup! I think that seafoam might actually be my favorite color. Very beautiful, and the composition of the shot with the light from the window back-lighting the empty cup is very stylistically intriguing. I also think including the messiness of the coffee stains inside the cup adds to the drama of the story you tell through the poem of the person's date leaving them alone. Altogether, very well done!

The poem itself is sad, but well-written. I especially liked the phrases: "sunshine of your gaze," and "dark shadows danced." I also liked how the 4th and 6th lines are a near rhyme - I don't know if you did this on purpose, but it was pleasant to read.

I really like the story you tell through your words, but I felt as if there were places where you could have used fewer words to get your message across. For example, in the third and fourth lines, there are a few unnecessary words that if removed could improve the flow of your poem by distilling it to the important points. Consider this edit for the 3rd and 4th lines: "But I knew, when I had drained my cappuccino, / and the sun had dropped low in the sky"

Thanks for sharing your photography and your poem!
-Emily

You last responded to this review 02/09/2019 @ 6:57pm EST

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