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 Review #4464240 |
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| (3.0)    Hi Chelsea Womberly  Thank you for entering the " Magic Words Contest " .My aim is to help authors who enter my contest write better stories so I hope you find the following review helpful. The review is my opinion as judge of your entry, but please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest. General Comments -I thought, on the whole, you did a good job including the words. They mostly fit into the narrative without being intrusive, although there was one instance where the usage was not right. I am pleased there were no fairies, elves or unicorns, lol, and I liked that you put some effort into describing the magic ritual.  However, I started reading and my first thoughts were that this is not a story aimed at people over the age of 18 and it's not fantasy. The rules do say no children's or YA, so technically this story doesn't qualify as an entry, but I'm guessing you are very new to writing and are not yet aware of the difference between YA and 18+ (adult) literature. As I read on I wondered whose story is this. We start with Tom, then the focus switches to Sara then to Taylor. Which one is meant to be the protagonist? Who is the antagonist? There isn't any plot. What it amounts to is a group of kids wanting to do some magic for no apparent purpose. When I finished reading, my thoughts were that this is not an adult's story and the fantasy was as minimal as it gets. I'm guessing you haven't read much in the fantasy genre. If you want to write a genre story it is essential you read lots in that genre so you get to understand the requirements and what readers (and editors) want. All entries have been judged using a points system for each of the following categories: Characters - Are they engaging, distinctive and interesting? (1-10 points)There are three main characters, Tom, Sara and Taylor. All three are rather generic teenagers. The problem stems from the fact that none of these characters is an actual protagonist. They lack personality because in a short story there isn't room to properly characterise so many main players. And there is no antagonist. No one tries to stop the kids from doing what they want to do. The ship's master, whom Taylor has a run-in with doesn't count as an antagonist because he does not try to thwart the kids' plans. Your score: 1 Plot - Is there enough conflict for the protagonist? Is it compelling? (1 - 5 points)There is no protagonist and there is no antagonist so there isn't a plot and there is little to no real conflict for any of the characters. As mentioned above, the incident between Taylor and the ship's master doesn't count. The fact that Tait flips out and wants to kill Taylor over his snarky quip about getting 'screwed over' is an utterly ridiculous over-reaction. Tait would probably have dealt with really serious threats from some very hardened characters in his sailing career. He would laugh at the boy's remark with complete contempt and just tell him to F***-off. A story plot is, in essence, the struggle or conflict between a protagonist and an antagonist. It is the foundation on which a story is constructed. The antagonist can be either external (usually a character, but can be something else like a creature, the environment or even the weather) or internal (a dire character flaw which they need to struggle with to attain their story goal or both. Here is a set of questions which you need to know the answers to give you a strong story plot. Obviously, with a short story, things need to be kept more simple than if you are tackling a novel, but your approach to the plot should be similar. What is your protagonist' story goal? What is the dire consequence if he/she fails to reach his/her goal? What are the requirements needed to reach this goal? (requirements are active things which can include some or all of these sorts of things - learning, overcoming, realising, finding, fighting, killing, making /putting together, etc) What are the costs? (What sacrifices does your protagonist need to make to achieve their goal?) What are the dividends? (what does the protagonist gain? E.g, knowledge, a key, an ally, a new perspective on the problem.) What will the forewarnings be? (These show the consequence is getting closer) What prerequisites are needed for the requirements to happen? (necessary things/people which need to exist to allow the protag to do their learning or realising etc e.g a school or tutor, or a set of clues etc) What preconditions are required to be overcome before the protagonist can attain their goal? (what impediments do they have. These should be both internal such as a character flaw and external such as trials and tribulations stemming from the antagonist's need to attain their goal. Who is the antagonist and what is their goal? (Can be either the same goal as the protagonist's e.g. rival, or underdog plots, or it can be directly in opposition e.g. revenge or escape plots) Your score: 1 Structure - Does the story have a beginning middle and end? Does the action rise towards a definite climax? (1- 5 points)There's a good reason why editors advise authors to start short stories in media res. Opening with the protagonist already struggling with the plot conflict gives readers something to latch on to and helps to show their character quickly. Because of the low word count, there isn't much room for setting up the story as there is in a longer form like a novella or novel. The focus should be squarely on the immediate drama of the situation the protagonist is dealing with. The struggle or conflict, whatever it may be, needs to rise to a make-or-break climax and then end with a resolution of some kind. Something should have changed for the protagonist by the end of the story. Your score: 1 Dialogue - Does it sound natural? Is it clear who is speaking? Does it convey character and/or advance the plot? (1-5 points)Dialogue in fiction has three main functions. One is to help move the story along, the second is to help define the characters personalities and emotions the third is to show the conflict. It needs to be dynamic so it shows what is happening instead of the author telling it. It should portray a scene vividly and breathe life into the characters. Good dialogue engages our attention very quickly and should enable readers to have first-hand experiences and be direct witnesses of what is happening in the story in order to draw our own conclusions. It is clear who is speaking in so far the dialogue tags let the reader know, but if there were no dialogue tags at all it would be very difficult to tell the characters apart. Your score: 1 Descriptions and setting - Do the descriptions give a good sense of era, setting and atmosphere. Do they create clear images in the reader's mind? (1-5 points)Good fantasy is as much about the story world as it is the characters. The characters need placing in a solid setting which needs to feel real. If the story is set in another world, the reader needs to get a flavour of it. Descriptions are best conveyed through the eyes of the point of view character, this also goes some way to help define their character - what they notice and how they think of the things they see. Authors usually have a good mental image of what's happening, what things look like, who is doing what and where and to whom, and what their emotions are. So getting the characters simply to hold discussions seems ok, because the author knows what they and what the world they inhabit looks like etc. The trouble is, readers can’t see what the author is seeing and the characters and action of the story appear to take place in a virtual void. The secret for adding descriptive details into a short story is to weave and dot concrete nouns and choice adjectives into the narrative action as and when they are required to illustrate a scene or character. Your score: 2 Mechanics - Is the story mostly shown rather than wholly told? Is there a clear (single) point of view? Is there good use of figures of speech? Does the prose have good rhythm? Does the syntax (or sentence structures) make the story flow? Are there many typos or spelling errors? How good is the punctuation? (1-35 points)The choice of the point of view is very important. The omniscient third person pov is the most difficult POV to do well because unless you are very skilled, you will end up with too much telling and not enough showing, head-hopping (which can get very confusing for readers) and there is too much temptation to write passive sentences where things happen to the characters rather than active sentences where the characters do actions. The POVs most modern editors prefer is either first person or close third person. These two have the effect of getting the reader to experience the story along with the POV character. When done properly, the author shows the reader the events rather than telling them. Showing is very important for the dramatic scenes. Telling should be used only to skip time or move the characters or for brief bits of vital information which can't be conveyed in any other way. You have done a pretty good job with the writing mechanics in so far there are not a huge amount of error, but there were a few things which stood out to me. The cafeteria buzzed with dozens of conversations, all being told in loud voices. ? I think here you mean held . One holds a conversation, one does not tell one. “So do we all understand what each of us needs to do today?” Tom quizzed the other two. There is a good reason editors advise you stick to he/she said/asked 99% of the time. The reason for avoiding words instead of said where possible is that said and asked are virtually invisible to the reader whereas WIOS tend to jump out at the reader. If it isn't clear from what is being said, what the tone is or what the character is feeling at that moment, then you should add a beat of action which demonstrates the emotion or show the other character's reaction to the words. “I have to watch my little brother tonight until 10. The ship comes to port at 7 so I will have to take him with me. As soon as my parents come home I will borrow their car and meet you by 11,” Always, always write out numbers as words - ten, seven, eleven etc. The dimly lit room had a surreptitious vibe. Surreptitious is an adverb. It describes an action like a glance or a gesture. You have used it incorrectly as an adjective to describe the room, which is a noun or thing. As Sara walked through the shop her eyes rolled across a shelf filled with dozens of hand-forged Athames. ? Um no. Her gaze or can roll, or better, run across a shelf, unless, of course, her eyes can leave her head and act independently. I had to look up Atheme. I had absolutely no idea what that was. It is amazing what items you can get for LARPing these days!  He peeled the tape off the box and opened it to reveal two fingers full of hair inside a clear, plastic bag. Ew. That's gross, two cut off fingers with the hair between them, lol... or did you really mean a thick wad of hair? “Try moving the dirt,” Sara suggested. Another WIOS. There is no need to say suggested here as what Sara said is clearly a suggestion. Your score: 20 Overall - Is there a unique voice? Does the story have a definite theme? Was it a great read? (1- 5 points)This is entry is clearly written by someone starting out on their writing journey and has a lot of learning still to do before they are ready to think of submitting something for publication. A good story needs good characters - a protagonist who drives the plot and an antagonist to oppose them. Your score:1 Your total score: 27 points. (out of a max of 70 points) Fiction writing is hard. It is the writer's job to hammer out each word, sentence and paragraph so the whole story transports the reader into its pages and allows the reading to flow seamlessly from beginning to end. Story writing is like any other skill worth mastering, it needs lots of practice. However, with a bit of work and some thought I'm certain your creativity will succeed in realising your story's full potential. Thank you again for entering the contest.  Keep writing and have fun!  
Easy reading is damn hard writing. ~ Nathaniel Hawthorne  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 01/23/2019 @ 11:58pm EST