Hi Gaea ! Chapter three

Interesting chapter - it left me with many questions. First, I still don't know much about Lisa. What does she look like? How old is she? Does she have a family? It would be helpful if you were able to work some of these details in to the story so that I can relate to her more. As for clues in this chapter (), I wondered about the hunks in the pool. Perhaps they were spies themselves or bodyguards for Mrs Jacobson? A lot happened in this chapter but there were some plot holes as well. Did Lisa jump in to the pool with all her clothes on? You never say she took off her gym clothes and put on a swimsuit, so I was a little surprised when she jumped in the pool. Also, what happened to the iPod camera and recording device? I guess they weren't needed? I was also very surprised that Lisa would risk going into the Jacobson's backyard after she seemed so scared that Mrs J would see her again and recognize her. Last, Lisa seems so nonchalant about the broken window... does this vandalism not faze her?

Watch out for your "towards" again Your story is moving very quickly. There seem to be many times where you want to get quickly through a scene so you create a list of the things that Lisa did (a good example of this is the very first paragraph). I wonder if there would be a way for you to slow the storytelling down just a tad so the reader is able to focus on the most important bits of the story. During the scenes you want to happen quicker, everything doesn't have to happen so lineally. Things can happen at the same time. For example, Lisa can be walking somewhere or thinking about something while taking an action. Or, she can remember things and have flashbacks. This might take a little bit of practice, but I think this story is worth it.

Dang, that scene in the shower ... and a public shower at that. Makes me wonder if Mrs J wanted Lisa to watch her. There has to be something else going on here. And the male friend with all the scars.. I thought at first that he was Mrs J's personal trainer, but now I've changed my mind. Perhaps he is a war vet? You're keeping me guessing!

Again, thanks for sharing your writing! Take care,
Emily

You have not yet responded to this review. Ignore

Upgraded Membership required to use macros.Create custom macros to insert text in this editor. [Beta] X   GIPHY Search   Send a reply... Include Gift Points