Hi Maria Torres ! Welcome to Writing.Com! I'm here in your portfolio today to read and review your poem, "Where has happiness gone?" in celebration of your new account on WDC! We are so happy you're here!

Thank you for sharing your poem. It made me feel a little depressed to be honest () and I'm sure that was your intent. Your emotion comes through clearly with your words and I especially like the lines: "where happiness once was / now is all a mess." I really appreciate the feeling you conjured with those lines. Like a cluttered bedroom, or spilled tea. Something that was happy is now covered by the messy emotion of sadness.

There were a couple places where I thought your poem could be strengthened with a few punctuation and grammar tweaks. First, I would suggest taking a look at your punctuation and capitalization throughout the poem. I think this poem can work with defined sentences and new sentences starting with capitalization, but you are not consistent throughout the poem. Either make sure all capitalized lines are truly at the start of a new sentence, or remove the punctuation altogether as I think the poem can work that way as well. I've pasted lines from your poem below and made edits in red. Let me know if anything doesn't make sense

Scare(d) to see ourselves

Crumbling in to pieces

While I do like the repetition of "My oh my" I wonder if it would be more powerful if the first stanza started with "My oh my," the second stanza started with "But, my oh my," and the third stanza was kept the same (starting with "And, my oh my"). I also felt the poem ended a little abruptly. Perhaps one more repetition of "my oh my" as the very last line would give the poem closure and give the reader one last feeling of helplessness.

Thank you for sharing your writing and again, welcome to WDC! I look forward to seeing you around! Let me know if you have any questions. Take care,
Emily

You responded to this review 09/05/2018 @ 7:34pm EDT

Upgraded Membership required to use macros.Create custom macros to insert text in this editor. [Beta] X   GIPHY Search   Send a reply... Include Gift Points