Hi NeedingBeachDuf 🐠⛵🏝️ ! I'm swinging by your port today to offer a review for your Cramp Winning entry, "Billy and Susan!" I found your piece through the random review button, and I'm so glad I did for a few reasons: First, we just started talking last night, so WDC must know I wanted to get to know you better. Also, the date this piece was written is my sister's birthday. And last, a story from the POV of a yo-yo?! How fun is that?!

This story totally reminds me of the Sausage Party movie . You did a great job with personification! I was hooked all the way through, even though the story was about a silly yo-yo (*hehe*) I was still completely interested and engaged! Good job pulling that off. I was a little confused though that the yo-yos and the children they ended up with had the same names? I suppose Billy the yo-yo is telling this story after he became Billy the boy's toy, and it is yo-yo custom to name themselves after their owners? Is that right? Maybe you could add a quick sentence to clarify this?

I just noticed a few little grammar edits for you to look at. Your quotes are in red and my suggestions follow:

"I'm the only red one in the group of us Imperials, which may be to my advantage but there are six of my siblings in front of me." Add a comma after "advantage"

"It's a sad chorus but a Yo-Yo's place is around a finger and in a warm human hand." Add a comma after "chorus"

"I was pulled back to reality when a man slid me of the rack and handed me to a young boy." Typo: of should be off

I also think this story deserves some genres besides Contest Entry. Perhaps Comedy and Children's?

This piece was so funny and had several good lines, but these were my favorites: "I've heard after so long, you're disassembled and ..... and melted down and made into packaging for our cousins." and "He screamed "I'm free" all the way to sporting goods, before they caught him and put him back in his package." Poor Brad ...

Thank you for sharing your writing! Take care,
Emily

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