Hi. You recently gave a helpful review to one of my short stories, so I thought I'd try to return the favor. I found this dark little piece, enjoyed reading it, and wanted to share some thoughts with you.

Item Reviewed: "Invalid Item" 
Author RobMcGee
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
Please remember these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             

                                                             
What I liked best
There is much to like about this story. The writing is stark, fitting the mode. The ending is perfect. But I think I'll choose the way the tension increases, sort of like Ravel's Bolero, to the sudden ending. The story shows professional grasp of craft and the style is perfect for the dark theme.

Characters
You show us so much about your narrator with little snippets, almost effortlessly tossed into the sweep of events. He's a veteran. He's waking from drunken meal. His wife committed suicide. He's with his daughter Sally, who is young enough to still have a Teddy bear. Their cabin is in disarray except for her room, which is tidy--a metaphor for his life and, apparently, hers. The little details imply so much while telling so little. This is excellent writing.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

So...I liked your opening, and it has some of the best lines in the story. It sets the mood. It orients the reader physically--they are in a cabin by the sea. But it doesn't name either character. I get not naming the narrator--his anonymity is part of his character. But why not name Sally? And why wait to reveal she's his daughter? The natural assumption is that she's his adult female companion, so rearranging that when he says "Flipping teenagers" runs the risk of pulling readers out of the fictional dream.

The story also doesn't quite start in media res, but instead starts with two short paragraphs where the narrator tells the reader things. As I said above, these are some of the most trenchant lines in the story, but they are still telling. This is especially striking since the rest of the story is relentlessly shown in the words, deeds, and thoughts of the narrator. So...I'd at least consider starting the story in the third paragraph, where the narrator wakes. Maybe you can sneak some of those marvelous lines into the flow of events in the here-and-now after he wakes.

Plot
I won't give away the plot. But you masterfully increase the tension from zero to a headlong rush to know what he will find on the beach, to the ending.

Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging and more--see notes above about the comparative state of Sally's room and the rest of the cabin.

                                                             
Some things you might think about.

Compelling stories almost always start with compelling characters. Authors thread together other elements, such as plot, tension, and setting, to build a fictional world. One way to think about this is that that we lead the readers on a guided dream. We engage them as active participants, so that they become the our partners in imagining the story.

I have only a couple minor suggestions. First, I'd name Sally and suggest her age and relationship earlier, and, second, I'd consider starting in the third paragraph.

I have some minor suggestions in the line-by-line remarks below--mostly typos.

Point of View.
First person. Again, this was perfect. I did notice several instances of sentence fragments. These fit with character and his situation, so there's nothing wrong with this. However, there were enough that it became noticeable--at least to me. Again, nothing major--just something to think about.

Grammar
Other than the fragments mentioned above--which are *not* wrong in this context--there are a few typos. I marked the ones I saw, but I wasn't reading for these.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
I picked your story because I liked it and thought that your writing showed talent. This review is mostly just first impressions. If you'd like more in-depth comments, please don't hesitate to visit

This is a powerful story, with dark themes. Some will dislike the ending, wanting everything wrapped with a bow on top. Resist the temptation to do that. Your ending is perfect and adds to the power of the story.

Thank you for sharing your work, and please keep on writing!!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Like a smell that rises above seaweed and incense; Like a stain that won't shift though you scrub til your nails brake and your skin is rubbed raw; Some things you are bound to carry with you always. My Comment: I love this sentence, but I'm not sure about putting it at the beginning of the story. Also note there are capitalization errors after each semicolon. Finally, it should be "break," not "brake.

I don't know what woke me but something did and I lifted my head. Ever so carefully I lifted my head off the table. My Comment: "lifted my head" repeats--doubtless this is a typo. Also, missing comma after "did."

I'll probably die of blood loss before I can reach my sandles.My Comment: typo: sandals.

But the bottle didn't smashed. My Comment: typo

Come on soldier. Pull yourself together.My Comment: Nice way to show he's a veteran.

That was tea fixed then. My Comment: I didn't understand this sentence...probably my fault.

I stood up shakilyMy Comment: "shakily" is a little weak. What was shaking? Knees, fingers? Weak verb/adverb combination always make me want a more precise description of the actionl.

Her travelling case lay open by the bed.My Comment: For clarity, I'd consider using her name here.

Really let yourself go. What would Sarge say?My Comment: More subtle insight into his emotional and physical state.

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {item:1847273.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .