Hi BardfromYharnam

I know you’ve had "The right choice."  on the Review Request page, but I actually found it because of a review that I’d read. The review was interesting, to say the least, and I had no idea from it what you’d actually written. My interest was piqued and I’m so glad it was, and I offer up a review myself.


Overall Impressions
After reading this I thought to myself ‘if this author ever enters "SCREAMS!!!"  then the rest of us are in trouble’. SCREAMS!!! is a horror/scary contest that’s not all about blood, guts and gore. Though you haven’t added ‘horror’ as a genre to this story, it would still work as one. It’s creepy and freaky, making the reader want to huddle against a heater. That, of course, means you’ve done a very fine job of making the reader feel. That’s a big thing with me – make me feel for the characters so that I see them as real.

The funny thing is, with the whole ‘feel’ thing, you’ve not named your protagonist. So how do we see him as real? Well, maybe he’s not. Maybe unnamed he’s even more than that. The protagonist is Man himself, standing in for everyone, standing in for all the homeless and forgotten as well. Not naming him was inspired, especially when you did name Herric. If you’d named the friend with the sense to move, then that would also have really pointed to the fact that this nameless man is Everyman. This makes the reader (me) feel nervous, like I need t be looking over my shoulder, ready to make that choice myself. Furthermore, not giving ‘the figure’ a name was just as powerful. It’s really, really good. Please don’t name these two characters!!

I loved how you mentioned the title of the story right in the first line, but it’s not until much later that we start to understand what that choice is and what the consequences are. At the start, it’s just a really sad story about a man who has fallen on terrible times and lost everything (including his name!). Though you’ve got ‘Death’ as a genre, there was always that little bit of hope that a miracle would occur and he’d have the chance to live again (which seems kind of ironic, given the stakes in ‘the choice’). Great first line!

The dark figure with the odd, bulky clothes is actually unexpected. Yes, I know you’ve got ‘Fantasy’ as your other genre but you know, in a good story, you forget about those little signposts! I thought originally just another beggar come to steal stuff, so you really got me interested when she turned out entirely different. And I had no clue whatsoever that she had been in the man’s place. Didn’t even twig with An old habit, a sign of solidarity So I liked that I was half way through the story and still a bit in the dark. I had to read closely to keep in tune with what was going on.

Hearing her story was powerful and as we learn about the choice, we’re taken right back to the first line where the man has made the right choice. It’s not until the end that we know what that is – he’s chosen simply to die and pass on.

The ending’s magic! Until the very last words it seems as if the dark figure is working with Glowing Eyes, almost like that’s her role after her own death. And we find out it’s rather true. She made the wrong choice, and for that, she’s got a role on the dark side and is faced every day with people who made the same choice she did – a sort of punishment for her own pride. I would LOVE to see a story based on her after she’s ‘come back’ in this new shape.

Loved these lines:

The body remained slumped against the brick wall, its snow covered locks pushed into its face by the slight movement of air. – it’s heart-wrenching first-up because it’s very visual. Things are still happening to the body even if it’s not aware. You always think ‘Ah who cares? I’ll be dead, I won’t know…’ but you still kind of worry about things and things still happen. This sentence also ties in with the end of the story, the Glowing Eyes that we don’t really meet (fortunately). I didn’t notice that until I’d read the story twice.

Not as a monster. – such a tiny sentence which read like a thumping fist. We may have glossed over the described creature of the previous paragraph or even the madness, but we totally get brought up by this little sentence. It’s categorical. We can’t escape what happens to those who want to re-live. It’s really powerful for how stark it is. And for how we suddenly start thinking about the female character with her strange angles and the shadows trying to chase her.


The Technical Things
This bit includes grammar, punctuation and other things that might have stopped my reading flow. You know the drill by now with all the reviews you’ve received—take what helps and discard what doesn’t.

I’m not against present tense telling; it can be really in your face and that works for this particular story. The issue I had was that you swapped between that present tense telling (is, stops, can) and the standard past tense (was, stopped, couldn’t) and that made the story a little jumpy. Take one tense and stick with it.

Timing – I got a wee bit confused about the timing, because in the five paragraphs starting That was three days ago to By now,… we got five different sort of timings. I understand the character had been sitting in the alley way for three days by the time we got to the ‘here and now’ part of the story, but then the nights come and go and he things that maybe he could stay here a while. How long’s a while? He’s been here three days already. (Quite aside from this, I loved the *green*His toes stopped hurting after that. – very telling about one freezing to death.) So I think you need to reorder a few of these paragraphs so they make a bit more sense to the reader (or one like me who niggles about timings!).

Go, bother someone else… – for this piece of dialogue I think the ‘he said’ comes too late. Herric’s got a bit of a rant on, and putting ‘he said’ at the end kind of weakens in. I’d put it between the two sentences. I’d also suggest taking out the comma after ‘go’ but that’s because I read it as ‘go bother someone else’ not ‘go! Bother someone else’

Generally, your dialogue tags don’t need to be capitalised, and that’s because the sentence they tack onto doesn’t need a full stop. The dialogue tag acts as the end, so the full stop should come after that. So… “I’ll just rest here for a bit,” he told himself.

afraid of what would happen if he fell asleep – I suggest swapping ‘if he fell asleep’ to ‘when he did’. Both say much the same thing but to me the latter feels a little more in tune with the sentence itself, in that the ‘did’ matches ‘sleep’ if that makes sense.

in white frost slid closed – put a comma after ‘frost’

the clothes didn’t quite fit her – remove ‘her’. We already know who the clothes belong to, but it gives a wee bit more mystery if you just have ‘didn’t quite fit’.

traced a quick symbol with her fingers – remove ‘with her fingers’. We’ve already got the skeletal hand/fingers reaching out so the end bit here is not needed.

and cowardly, to give up – no comma needed here. There are a few other places where you’ve got commas that aren’t really need. The sentence about safeguarding man is one of them.

Yet even if they didn’t know, that was what He offered them. – I think I know what you’re saying here but I find this sentence doesn’t really make sense. It’s almost like you’ve missed a few words here or combined two sentences into one. This suggestion is way wordy but I just want to show you what it is I think you’re saying: That was what He was offering them, not heroics, not happiness, not love, but life as a monster. They didn’t know this but they took the offer anyway. Even so, it’s speaks to the pride of man that’s mentioned a few paragraphs later.

surrounded by the stretching shadows of dusk following her – I recommend removing ‘following her’ but it’s only because I feel that if the shadows are following then they’re not really surrounding.

Genres….. you’ve got ‘Fantasy’ and ‘Death’ but have left the third as ‘Other’. Think of these as your selling points so always try to use all three. ‘Supernatural’ and ‘Horror/Scary’ would work just as wel.


Closing Comments
So, anyway, this is a great story. Love the fact the two main characters have no names. I think that makes the themes all the more powerful and awkward. And for those of us who would love to be re-born, or simply not die, there is a consequence that we can’t know until we’re there. Tough choice when you don’t know the outcome, even if you’re playing with nature!

I nitpicked in the technical section, but hopefully you can take positives from it to help with further writing.

If you have any queries about anything above, don’t hesitate to get in touch. I’m always happy to chat!

Kind regards,
Osirantinous





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .