Hi there! I ran across this on the random read and review, so thought I would share my thoughts on it.

The hook
You begin by expressing that she is looking at store windows, then say she "then" passes a store called the Rave. Isn't passing by the Rave looking at stores? If so, the word "then" is out of place.

Besides the technical issue, the actual ideas you begin with are a great way of introducing the story. Right away we have an understanding of the main charachter's emotional state. Many of us can relate to her, too.

Dialogue
The actual words within the quotation marks are done well. They follow regular speech patterns and the personalities of the characters show in their spoken words.

One suggestion I have is to not use the word "said" so much. The thing is, the reader knows someone said something because of the quotation marks. If you were to show body language, rather than said, the character's would be shown more.

Here is an example of what I mean (Purple is your version and blue is mine):

“Okay, I’m in,” she agreed.

She released a slow sigh and nodded her head. "Okay, I'm in."
(The above shows reluctance.)

Her toothy grin matched her enthusiastic nod. "Okay, I'm in."
(Shows that she is excited about it.)

Character Development
There is some pretty good character development here, mostly with the main character. In the beginning we really get an understanding of her emotional struggle in reference to her weight. This of course makes her a target for the man that approaches her.

Scenery
We get a good understanding of scenery. Most of this you added into the actions of the story, rather than boring us with long winded meaningless details.

Plot
The plot was decent. I thought the work-up toward the ending was done well. Though, I am a little disappointed that the ending was a bit predictable.

Mechanics

She was also feeling very week- Weak is what you are meaning here.

Hello, my name is Jenna Perkins, I was told to come here for a special weight treatment.- You appear to have forgotten the quotation marks here.

It is t a minor latent effect?- Did you mean, "Is it a minor latent effect?"

You have quotation marks in a few places, where there should not be any. There was also some issues with your comma usage in several areas. For example, after or before the word so in a few places, there should be a comma. I would suggest using a program like Grammarly to write in, so that your comma issues are caught.

Final thoughts
This needs some editing, but otherwise the main concept is pretty good. Hopefully you will get around to working on it some more.

Thank you for sharing your writing. I've enjoyed the read. Remember, this is the opinion of only one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful. If you get around to editing, hopefully you will let me know, so that I can up my rating according to repairs.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .