Hi. I found this on the Please Review forum and decided to take a look. Generally, this is a nice piece, although it could be built into a more full-blown short story to develop the character/s more. A few spots hung me up momentarily as I read.

1. The dim hallway is lit...
This "tells" the reader what's happening rather than "showing" from the character's point of view. You might revise this to something like
In the dim hallway, lit like the night sky, streaks of colour flow around us.
2. I stare back... . Not quite sure what "it" is here. If it's the door you're staring at,then maybe the wording could be something like
...but the door remains tightly shut (or something like that).
3. The boy just sighs...
You could remove "just" and still convey the meaning you want.
4. Sitting down[comma] he...
5. I didn't read your previous story, but consider (if you're keeping separate parts) introducing "she" as Leyana back in the second para.
6. You could write a bit more about the characters emotions: is she scared? is she worried? confident?...

You have the makings of a good story here, just build on it and see where it takes you. Keep up the good words!

-Caerlynn

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .