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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4400060
Review #4400060
Viewing a review of:
 Aunt Helen  [13+]
When you love someone dearly, they never really leave you.
by hoosierpen
Review of Aunt Helen  
Review by Leslie Raynor
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
There are some interesting elements to this piece that leave room for further exploration. As I read it, some questions came to mind:

1) How old is Albert and is that important?
2) What was his relationship with his Aunt and why is he so overcome with emotion?

You may want to look at expanding the piece to focus more on Albert on the lead up to seeing his Aunt, his emotions in the funeral parlour and why he was feeling that way, perhaps exploring happier times they had together.

Your description is good, however, in places, the text is too descriptive and doesn't flow as well as it could. I got the sense you were trying to get too much into a single sentence. By expanding the text, you will give yourself more room to describe the scenes, build more emotion and develop Albert's character more.

I certainly think your piece has promise and you should explore Albert's emotions more.

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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 03/19/2018 @ 5:56am EDT
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4400060