Hi Dragonbane and thank you for choosing me to review your work. I have to be honest and tell you I am only reviewing the first 3 segments of this piece, due to time constraints. However I did read through the entire six chapters.

My First Impressions: You display a good command of English by choosing strong descriptive words. You have created characters that show promise and as you rewrite this (first draft?) I am sure you will flesh them out a bit more. I particularly liked the humor displayed in a conversation between Koburn and Inona. The dialog gave them humanity and made them more than one-dimensional cardboard cutouts from Fantasy Characters 101. Also, you "move" your many characters around your scenes with the dexterity of a director staging a play. That is difficult for many authors. Good job!

How To Polish Your Story: Remember, these suggestions are merely my opinions. As a reviewer, I try to come up with a few helpful hints. I have read reams of fiction for many years, but I haven't yet published any. I fell, almost by accident, into writing non-fiction columns and articles for twenty years. However, I have read and reviewed more than a few authors in your chosen genre and learned a lot by doing so. So here goes!

1. Your sentences are in need of trimming and punctuation. If agents or editors read, '"Not for much longer I suspect, will he come to see me after I've seen this young woman it may be a while before I see him again after tomorrow,"' I am afraid they would stop reading and pick up a story that was error free. No matter how interesting a plot, or how riveting the dialog, your manuscript should be a perfect as you can make it. I don't correct punctuation, etc. because I'm not an English teacher and I would constantly have to refer to my library of grammar and punctuation books and websites. Your paragraphs are often in need of the same polishing. Ruthlessly cut words and phrases by combining your thoughts into as few of the best words possible.

2. As a reader, I found myself wondering what motivates Inona (other than her scars and past trials) to become a mercenary. What is her family like? What is her world like physically? I don't mean go into more than a paragraph or two of description. However, if you cut some of the longer dialog and replace it, I think your very imaginative story world would be more compelling for readers.

3. Watch the tendency to have your many characters launch into rather formal and long-winded dialog. Internal dialog, or showing emotions through the character's movements, facial expressions, or quirky habits, would add realism to their comments. Dialog attributes are another stumbling block to smoothly flowing action or prose. Perhaps rather than, "She smiled evilly" try, "Inona smiled at him, but her eyes squinted with malevolence." (in your own words).

I think you have a really good start to an interesting tale with these chapters! Thanks for sharing your hard work. I hope my thoughts and comments have helped you in some small way. Good luck with your writing!

Dawsongirl

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .