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 Review #4376045 |
 | Invalid Item  [] |
| (3.5)| Hi ~ Aqua ~  , I am Lorraine and I am reviewing your piece "Invalid Item" today in affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers" .Greetings: Hey, Aqua! You posted this in my note requesting Sci-Fi stories, so here I am with a review.  I believe I've seen this somewhere else... Maybe you posted it when you wrote it in Kidnapped? Either way, I didn't get a chance to read it before, so I'm glad you posted it. Plot: An interesting story. You've got an introduction to Alexa, and what she can do. You've then followed with her revealing information, and then the conclusion, of finidng out what became of Alexa's prediction. Whilst the idea of the plot itself is good, I feel like the ending was quite rushed, and summed up quickly. Whether you wanted to be within a certain word count, were hurrying for a deadline, or ran out of steam for the story. The conclusion might benefit from more description. Characterisation: My NaNo novel character was called Alexa. Clearly we were thinking along the same lines here. With Kevin and James, Kevin seems to be a rookie. Is he new to the team, or visiting from another department? I'm curious why he seems less knowledgable. I'm especially curious about Toto and Dorothy, especially because of their namesakes. Are there any similarities?  Dialogue: " hers was shaking violently, her breathing had become rapid as well as her heart beat." - This seems redundant for him to be explaining to the other person who can see what happened. Something like this is usually used by the writer to explain to reader, so I'd suggest rewording. If you want to explain this to the reader, do it a non-dialogue way. Or some way that makes the dialogue seem more natural. Setting/Imagery: The details Alexa provided were good, I'm curious more about the facility they're in. The police and science experiments are in the same building? How far in the future is this? What else is different? We've got humans who can tell the future, what else? Have other advances been made? Spelling/Grammar: "were wires attacked to the" - should be attached. "Of course, she did" - comma is unnecessary here. "effect of of this episode" - It's hard to pick this sort of thing up when you're reading it through yourself, the brain naturally skips over it. Hopefully, that points it out for you. "and we might have lose her." - lost her. I think this is one of those words with a variety of different terms that might be more confusing for English second speakers. "visions are one of them" - was one of them. Closing Thoughts: I know I focused a lot on what could be improved, but the story itself was still enjoyable. I enjoyed reading about Alexa, and wonder what might be in her future. Surely being in a situation like that means her life is pretty horrible. I also didn't mean for this to become a grammar lesson.  It was just a few things I noticed that were a little off. If you ever need a hand with anything like this, do drop me an email. I'm by no means perfect, but the one and only language I speak is English.  Lorraine ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were going to do anyway! Robert Downey Jr.  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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