\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4369872
Review #4369872
Viewing a review of: {citem:}
Review of  Open in new Window.
Review by Satuawany Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WYRM  Open in new Window.
Rated: | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
          ** Image ID #1264233 Unavailable **


Hey, Tobber! I've had this flash story as next on my reviewing list for some time now, and I'm excited to finally sit down with it. First thing I want to mention is the item's short description.

A masseuse with using her gift to heal people.
         That syntax doesn't make sense. Were you about to write one sentence and went with another, and the two got jumbled? That's how it reads. Looks like you might have been going for, “A masseuse uses her gift to heal people.”

Of course I got the racist asshole as a customer.
         Hey, I like this opening sentence. Already get a sense of the character and her situation. (I assumed the narrator was a woman from the first words the first time I read. Rereading, I see it's not specified, but I'm still leaning toward female because I think this customer is the kind of guy who'd also protest having a dude's hands on him, and he never does, so.)

the masseuses at a Thai parlor are indeed all foreigners.
         Here's the first tense flop I was talking about in that email a few weeks ago. The bulk of the story is in past tense, but that “are” is present tense. The flips are distracting, and work to push me out of the story. (I'm not saying I've never seen tense-flopping that worked for a story; I have. But I am saying it doesn't here. *Worry*)

as I led him to the table in the backroom.
         I'd cut this, here. Adding it in makes the next sentence sound like the table in the backroom is the “cheap crap,” and I don't truly believe that's what the narrator is talking about. In a longer story, this kind of thing wouldn't be a bid deal, but with flash fiction, everything's gotta be more perfect. Little wobbles that might be overlooked in a longer piece blare in shorter fiction.

and sweat-stained wife-beater shouted high culture.
         You have some great word economy going on in this paragraph, splicing characterization of both players in with the setting and mention of décor. Nicely done!
         But here, you pile on so many cliches of the stereotypical white trash racist dude that he's become a caricature at this point of the seat-stained wife-beater. *Worry*
         On top of that, I can't imagine anyone who'd go out in public in such a shirt ever visiting a massage parlor. Either the story needs to give us a hint as to why someone like him would ever come here, or maybe tone down the stereotypes. Maybe even think about putting him more white-collar attire. Ill-fitting knock-off white-collar attire, of course, to fit the tone of the sentence.

The customer is always right.
         Just wanted to point out that this tense flop works, because this is such a common idiom. Totally sympathizing with the narrator's disgruntlement about it.

how to perform the chakra cleansing massage anymore.
         Missing a hyphen in your compound adjective here: chakra-cleansing

I whispered a silent prayer that this might be over with quickly, find the wounded chakra, uproot
         In this sentence, everything that comes before that first comma doesn't agree with everything that comes after. The syntax doesn't line up, I mean. Easy fix would be to add a couple of words: quickly, that I would find the
         Also, it'd add a layer of reality to your tale if you added just a little to this thought. That is, as knowledgeable as the narrator is, she probably has at least an idea of which chakra is the problem just based on his attitude so far. You can do a quick search, just a little research, and have her throw out a couple of guesses here. Not only would that add a layer to your story, but it'd make sense for the character you've created.

you?” I ask and drop some oil on his back.
         From here until this line: It’s traditional Thai music, helps the healing process
         Those two lines, as well as all the lines of narration in between, are in present tense. All the verbs in these two sentences, as well as all the verbs between (save for what's in dialogue) need to be edited from present to past tense forms.

The men around here are always like that, rough, silent farmers who don’t know what a conversation is.
         Okay, besides the present-tense verbs that need to be past tense (I know; I can't shut up. I'm sorry.), I have a hard time believing this shop stays open in an area where the bulk of the potential clientele are farmers. I grew up in a place like that, and I can tell you there were no massage parlors. There were masseuses that worked out of the therapy center—where the clients were ordered by their doctor to go.
         To have an actual massage parlor in an area like this, I can't suspend belief without some explanation as to what possessed someone to open a massage parlor here. As I don't think you need to weigh your story down with such an explanation (unless you want to really make it a thing), I suggest cutting this line and writing in another—something that doesn't insinuate this kind of area. *Wink*

He lift his head long enough to say, “Family
         If present tense were the one you were going with, that “lift” should be “lifts.” But in past tense, you need it to be “lifted” instead.

hoping I might feel my way to the right spot without further instructions. I can’t.
         I find this hard to believe. I'm pretty low on the totem pole of people who are trained at chakra work, and I'm confident I would be able to tell where the problem was. Especially with such a severe case as she makes him sound. *Worry*
         Maybe instead of this and the exchange it incites, you could have her pretty sure where the problem is, and then he distracts her immediately by griping about the music.
         As an aside, you know, I never thought of the kind of Thai music usually played in such environments as being anything anyone could call “jungle music,” but I can see it, now that this jerk said it.

I turn of the music,
         Yes, yes, “turn” should be the past-tense, “turned,” but also your “of” should be “off” *Wink*

fighting between siblings, certain physical problem.”
         Should either be: certain physical problems
         Or: a certain physical problem.

but his cheeks lit up when I hinted at his sexlife,
         ”sexlife” should be two words: “sex life”
         on the other hand, though, this thew me; I didn't remember her mentioning his sex life. Then I realized she probably meant the mention of divorce. Not a big reading glitch, but seems bigger in such a short piece.

so let my hands slide up a bit and find the knot beside his spine.
         Missing a word: so I let
         Also, though, this doesn't sound like chakra work, but just a plain old massage. I think she's massaging and doing chakra work, yes? But that'd...be worded differently, I'm thinking. Feels that way to me, anyhow. Wouldn't it be more about working the muscles around the chakra? Okay, I can see how what you have does groove with that, but I'd think the mention of the chakra would be key, and then the mention of the physical part would tie in after. This is another place where the story would be rooted more in reality if she mentioned the name of the chakra in question. Again, just a quick Google search for the chakras and what each does, and little reading, and then you could have just enough knowledge to add in these things.

I start easing it out.
         Here starts another section of present tense.
         Also, though, I'd expect some chakra work to go along with her massaging out a physical knot. *Wink*

but somehow people always found it bearable to live with that particular wound.
         Oh, nice philosophical thought! And very true. I like the poetic feel of this thought, very much.

I started rubbing it, going a bit faster than I should,
         Okay, the line before this did finally take on a metaphysical vibe, but this line destroys that vibe. You can't...rub a chakra. I don't know about all practices, but my knowledge base involves pouring energy into it, clearing out the sludge, and/or getting it to “spin the right way.”

That hurts bitch.”
         Direct address needs a comma: hurts, bitch
         Also, shouldn't that comma be an exclamation point? He certainly seems to have the emotion for one. *Bigsmile*
         Should've said just before this; I sympathized with her not being gentle about working the chakra.

pushing of the table,
         That “of” should be “off”
         Also, you flip back into present tense again after this.
         You really get to flipflopping after this, sometimes having past and present tense in the same sentences. I fear I'd bore us both to tears if I pointed them all out, but they do need fixin'.

I push down hard fighting both
         hard, fighting
         Without that comma, the sentence doesn't read clearly.

I washed my hands, packed my things, and went home
         Kind of abrupt, at least in the wording. I can imagine the narrator deciding on an abrupt departure, but it'd be nicer to read if you slowed down a little. By that, I mean, mention she darts out of the room before he comes out from behind the divider. What things does she have to get? Does she have a locker? Or can she just exit the parlor? And, I'd definitely commit a sentence to her going past her boss. She had harsh thoughts for the woman earlier; one last peek, maybe a mention of the woman demanding to know where the narrator was going (or something like that) would give closer to that element of the story, as well.

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Note* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*

Aside from me wanting a little more from the ending, it also feels unfinished in a couple of other ways. For instance, if the result of her actions was going to be her splitting town, why did she do it? That is, why was this guy worth it? Or was it just a fit of frustration with guys like him? If so, it'd make the story feel more finished if you showed that throughout the story. Especially when she digs in to that wound; maybe expand that part a little to build up her actions, to show us the motivation behind them. You picking up what I'm laying down, here? *Cool*

I could potentially love this story. With a little more meat to the closing and layers to the chakra aspect of what she's doing, this story would be killer. Funny thing about adding meat to closings, though; it almost always involves more work to the rest of the story than it does to the actual closing. I hope I've sparked some ideas for that.

I do like your setting, your main character, and what you've got going so far. I sympathize with the disgruntlement and could totally see, with a few little nudges, that she'd be driven to a fast healing of this guy. And I like that a lot—that she's driven to healing him like this.

You know, I almost wish she'd stay, fight the good fight. If she's so convinced his friends will be in on a witch hunt, she could decide that she'll hunker down and deal with them when they came. Heal them the same way, even.

If you really wanted to get crazy with working on this, you could make it to where she'd already done this kind of thing to someone else, and this guy was one of the friends. That'd mean a lot of changes, but it might be worth it. Then the massage parlor could be here because it's the kind of place where one would never stay open long. They could have opened here specifically to lure in this kind of clientele. Not sure how they would, but it could be done. Would be a whole different story, though, so I'll shut up now.

Basically, the story did do what it was supposed to do: I enjoyed reading it, and it took me out of reality for a while. And for that, I thank you.

*Dragon* Chy

*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 10/29/2017 @ 1:17pm EDT
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4369872