Opening hook It's important to draw the reader in with a bang right at the beginning. You have the basics there, but I think by turning a few sentences around the hook would be tighter. The first line, to me, feels like it should be in italics, and I would edit out the 'i.e.' and simply state it as: One has a dream. Then, start the story in normal text with: 'Emma, a girl...' .

Word & Phrasing Repeats I found a few of these and by reading the story out loud, it's amazing how many you can catch. I'll give you one example of it with your first paragraph. Towards the end, you mention about her parents, but it's too close together, so to add variety, maybe you can switch it around like this: ...because of her mother and father's business. They weren't really good parents. So by switching it around, it smooths it out and eliminates the word repeat.

In the third paragraph, it changes point of view. Most of the story is written in the 'third person', but the part where you write 'believe me', at that point, it changes to being written in the 'first person'.

Overall, as I stated above, I got a clear picture of 'who' Emma was,
but then there were times when I wanted more emotion so I could bond more with what she was feeling. One example of this is in this paragraph: Emma was admitted to.... Sentence: One day, she just wasn't able to take it anymore... I wanted the story to expand here to let me know just what she couldn't take. By doing this we get to see more of her personality and also how she would deal with the problem. Good to explain more so we can attach our self to her emotional side. I think, too, there could be more description of what she saw around her -- more details of the scenery would enhance the visual as we read along.