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Review #4364742
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Review by Past Member 'blimprider'
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Rated: | (4.0)
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         Good morning, Mr. Havic, and I hope it finds you well. I'll be your reviewer today, so a few words about myself might be in order. My real name is Jack Tyler, and if I am known for anything, it would have to be my series of steampunk adventures set in Victorian Africa. I am published, but I'll never gotten within two zip codes of a best-seller list, and when the big-time critics get together, not one of them wonders why I'm not there. I'm a guy with an opinion, and like all opinions, if you don't find it useful, yours is the only one that matters. Okay, let's get started.

CONCEPT: I always enjoy these stories where somebody's world turns upside-down on them, they don't know why, and they have to learn to cope on the fly. The protagonist usually comes out of the bar to find the rest of the world changed, but you've turned the trope itself upside-down to humorous effect. I would go so far as to suggest that you include a Humor or Comedy tag on this. I'm sure it would attract more readers.

CHARACTERS: This section discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will kill any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care?
         You've worked with two characters here, the viewpoint and the "nice looking woman." This is perfect for a story of this length, and you handle them well. I like that the woman accepted his "Monopoly money" in payment, and you resisted what must have been strong temptation to go off on a tangent with him being busted for non-payment. That would have made the story much longer while adding nothing of substance to your main point. Well done.

SETTINGS: This section deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might view it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music." Pretty important. So how did you do?
         Quite well, in fact. Your main action takes place in a suddenly unfamiliar bar, and just enough of the outside neighborhood is shown for contrast. Much like the characters, you show just enough to deliver the story's impact without bogging it down in unnecessary extras. Another well done on this.

MECHANICS: Spelling, grammar, punctuation, all those things that no writer, myself included, ever wants to talk about: "I've done all this work, and you want to argue about a comma?" But those commas are important. The one thing, the holy grail, that every reader is seeking is immersion. He wants to forget that he's reading at all, wants to live the life of your hero for the minutes, days, or weeks that he spends with your story, but he can't do that if he is constantly wading through a swamp of typos, or rereading every other scene because your grammar is so poor that he has to figure out what you're trying to convey. So, again, how did you do? Unfortunately, there are a few issues.
         Chief among them is paragraphs. It is agonizing for a reader to follow a story when it isn't paragraphed, as yours isn't; it is impossible to maintain immersion while trying to work out where the next paragraph should start. The traditional method is to indent each new paragraph, as I have done here. WdC recognizes a convention in which you double-space between paragraphs. I prefer indentation myself, but you need to do something with this to break up that very intimidating block of text. Some potential readers may have moved on already because it's just too off-putting.
         Everything else is mostly in order, which I take to mean you're taking your proofreading seriously. There is one thing I want to point out, two things, actually, that occur in this line: Ok, that was interesting I think to myself. First, it is helpful to the reader to separate internal dialogue from speech by placing internal dialogue in italics. Second, unless you are writing a story about a telepath, the only person he can possibly think anything to is himself. Cleaned up, this line would read Ok, that was interesting I think. You could even leave out "I think," because the italics make it self-evident that this is a thought.
         The next line contains this: I look up at the name on the Bar. 'Lucky's bar and grill' I would swear that when I went in it said 'Mulligan's' so strange. There are multiple punctuation issues here, and cleaned up, it would read like this: I look up at the name on the Bar. Lucky's Bar and Grill. I would swear that when I went in it said Mulligan's. So strange. My guess would be that you're aware of these things, and were just tired of proofreading by that point. Proofreading is like washing dishes: A boring yet vital process that is only noticed when you don't do it. Embrace it, and lift your stories above the crowd.

SUMMARY: And now, the long-awaited verdict: This story is good. It's a tight little excursion into the comically weird that is economical in its delivery of some very entertaining goods. If you feel that I have harped on your mechanics too much, let me point out a couple of things: First, I do a lot of these reviews, and many of them include a section of corrections that is longer than the rest of the review combined; you haven't done badly here at all. Second, there are hundreds of books that will teach you grammar and punctuation; I have yet to find a book that will teach you how to have an imagination, and that you possess to a high degree. You have a delightful voice that lends itself well to this kind of work, and your story was a joy to read. I hope you continue to produce this sort of material, develop your Craft, and gather the audience you deserve. Thanks for sharing. This was a great start to my day.

Read well, and write better,
*Hotair2*Jack "Blimprider" Tyler *Hotair2*

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