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Review #4360406
Viewing a review of:
 A Sky Full of Stars  [E]
Looking at the stars and thinking of him...
by AME
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)


Hello AME *Smile*

Below is my review of your piece A Sky Full of Stars

Please bear in mind that these are only suggestions on how I myself would edit it, if it were mine. It's your choice whether you decide to take my comments on board or not. Direct quotes from your piece are light blue, and my suggestions are lilac.

*MushroomR* Gut Reaction

This is a short but sweet piece. As well as a beautiful description of the want, and then witnessing, of the night sky by the protagonist, you've added depth and mystery by including her thoughts.

*MushroomR* Grammar and Sentence Structure

I think it would be useful for you to try and develop your sentence structure. Some of your sentences are quite long, and are quite hard for the reader to concentrate on. For example, your second sentence has a lot of clauses and I'm not entirely sure it makes sense by the time I reach the end. Perhaps consider breaking it down. I understand you're listing, and I think it is very important to the storyline and helps the reader to empathise with the protagonist, but maybe consider breaking it down.

Additionally, there are a few sentences that could be improved gramatically.
An example is: When she got past a hectic day of work. you could perhaps phrase this sentence more elegantly, something like When she made it through a hectic day of work.

Also, stare at a sky that was filled with no empty spaces left could be changed to stare at a sky filled, with no empty spaces. Just by cutting out a few words the sentence meaning becomes clearer to the author.

You could try reading your work out loud, listening for the gaps to add commas and deciding when to end your sentences if you are getting breathless. It will help to keep the reader immersed in the story.

*MushroomR* Plot

Despite the story's length, there is a clear plot. A lady has long wished to see the whole night sky, now she is finally experiencing it's beauty, and using the time to reflect on a past love.

*MushroomR* Writer's Voice

You have used both sight and sound successfully, painting a lovely picture of the beach. You might consider introducing further senses, perhaps smell or touch, to add to the reader's experience.

*MushroomR* Things I love

I like the sense of mystery you've added, making the reader wonder what actually happened to the lady, who is the guy she's thinking about, what is her story? I also like that you haven't mentioned her name. Because the story is so short, it's not necessary. It also helps the reader to place themselves in her shoes.

*MushroomR* Final thoughts

My favourite line is the last, 'the stars continued to shine, illuminating the vast, dark sky.'

In summary, a good, thought provoking piece. As someone who loves sitting on the beach reflecting, I can really identify with the protagonist.

Keep writing!
Holly




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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 09/24/2017 @ 5:17am EDT
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