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Review #4351476
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Rated: | (3.0)
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Hello! I found your story in my inbox requesting a review. I've read this before and enjoyed reading it again. I hope you find this feedback useful.


Plot:The plot works fine for a flash. The idea is a little trivial, and you might be spending a few too many words on it. I'd cut the length of the log entry significantly.


Style and Voice: The log entry is crammed with cliches. Perhaps in an attempt to sound folksy? Just a couple examples, "my first rodeo, blow your mind, mine isn't to question why, big blue marble..." If I was editing, I'd redline those first.


Scene/Setting: The log entry is a good idea, but why is he giving a history lesson? I think the effect of the reveal would have more emphasis if you let this guy/gal tell the story of his day. With enough detail, that will set the scene sufficiently. Backstory is anathema, especially in a flash. It's a KILLJOY.

Characters: I'd like to know the gender and name of the individual. Often, the name can provide the gender. Names can also contribute to the setting. You might open the log with that data.


Dialog: Less cliche, less System-wide news, and more small-world building.


Grammar and Mechanics: There are comma errors. One that really stood out was the comma between city and from in the first sentence. That's a good opener that you don't want to ruin.


POV: Good POV shift between the log and the COGs.


Suggestions: Rethink the nature and length of the log entry.


Overall Impression: Good idea that needs polish


Thank you for sharing your story. Keep Writing!

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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4351476