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Review #4348174
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by A Guest Visitor
Review of Shadows  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: GC | (4.0)
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"Game of Thrones"  Open in new Window. by Creeper Of The Realm Author Icon

OVERALL IMPRESSION -
You have everything you need to make this a really hot short story but are missing a few things that would really heighten it. It's not enough to tell your reader what is happening, we want to be pulled into the story and feel what the characters are feeling/experiencing.

WHAT I LIKED BEST -
I liked that April was the aggressor and took charge of the situation, going after and getting exactly what she wanted.

PLOT~
April has had enough of her boyfriend Chris, who doesn't seem to care about her, and shows it by standing up her on their date. His friend Sam sees her walking and catches up. Before too long they find themselves in an alley looking for a quick hook up.

CHARACTER~
There is a disconnect between your characters and your reader. While you do a good job at pacing and telling what is going on with Sam and April, there isn't enough emotion and description to get a good feel for your characters. Did they enjoy this encounter? What did his hands feel like? You describe his body and how she had dreamt of being with him, so when she gets this prime opportunity, what she is experiencing is missed. What is the attraction besides his body? Does he wear cologne? What does he taste like? Feel like? When he touches her does she melt? Become excited? Adding these little things into your story will give it depth and pull the reader completely into this tale.

DIALOG~
The conversation was flirty, and that worked well before they went into the alley.

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

This would be my name.
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