%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4265187 |
| Hello againi, DMT - THANK YOU WRITE.COM  Before I start, do not forget, writing's an art, so do not fret if you should find that I am blind to your fine flair, and be aware this opinion — it is but one. When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header. Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?  The nightmare was a good initial hook to this chapter. It left me wondering if it really was just a dream or in fact a prophesy!  Characters — are they well rounded? Some great character development in this chapter. I love how you show the close relationship between Jake and his dad. It's how they choreograph their movements that really says it all. And Mum's arrival is funny. It says a lot about Jake and his parents that Dad can empathise, but Mum not so much. Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial? The plot is now going somewhere, and I'm keen to see where. The end hook is funny. Mum's not gonna be happy! Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere? A fast paced chapter. To be honest, maybe a tad too fast. Perhaps Jake and Dad could share a story together or something, a bit of father son bonding before Mum breaks it up. Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? See suggestions below for specific issues, but I want to say I'm still not entirely happy about the many names of Dad, ie. his dad/his father/Jake's dad/Jake's father. If you just called him Dad all the time, it would be faster paced and also feel more in pov. Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building? No problems here. Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?  You're using coffee smells and alcohol burns. That works for me. I wasn't sure, though, whether hot alcohol meant it was really hot or just that it burned Jake's throat. Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality? The issues of Jake's gender, Jake's species and his adoption are all really interesting and engaging. Suggestions — a few ideas for possible improvement. He gazed around the room, and his eyes focused on a picture of him, and his parents hung on the wall. — otherwise it sounds like the photo is of him and his parents being hung, ie. executed.  , took off woman garments and sighed. — sounds a bit awkward. Perhaps, took off his woman's garments and sighed, or, took off his feminine garments and sighed. Also, there are a few too many sentences in that paragraph that start He… said behind him, "Couldn't you sleep either?" — comma after 'him' I didn't hear you come in." — does this mean werepires don't have super sensitive hearing like werewolves or vampires, or is it just that Jake has to transform first? There is nothing like the smell of fresh coffee in the mornings. — I'm not clear if this is sarcasm because they're both drinking whiskey or a mistake, but in the following paragraph Dad switches on the coffee machine, so clearly there ain't a coffee smell in the air yet. You started to grow thick facial hair and your teeth began to grow at an alarming rate. — what struck me as I read this was that at the beginning of the novel he appears to be a completely normal teenager, if a bit wimpy. When did the thick fascial hair and big teeth disappear? Is this why the bully called him the monkey? Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story. I like where the story is going. Perhaps slow it down a bit for more father-son bonding, but other than that this is a great chapter. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing. Best wishes, Bob    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You responded to this review 10/14/2016 @ 8:25am EDT