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 Review #4265057 |
 |  | Know Thine Enemy  [18+] Two hundred years after a colony vanishes, they return with a warning.  |
| (5.0)| Hello, CanImagine Before I start, do not forget, writing's an art, so do not fret if you should find that I am blind to your fine flair, and be aware this opinion — it is but one. When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header. I've only read your opening chapter, but I can already tell you that I think your writing is wonderful. This is the best opening chapter I've read so far on this site. Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?  Excellent opening hook! It struck me that klaxons might not actually be necessary on a future ship if people had internal communications, but it was certainly great for creating the atmosphere, so when the klaxons blared and we were informed that the ship was under attack, I was hooked. The end hook is also excellent. I wanna find out who these mysterious guys in the antique ship are. Characters — are they well rounded? For such a short chapter with so many characters, you did a great job of showing what kind of people they are, especially Scott and Shay. I'd usually say that you introduced too many characters in the first few paragraphs, but it actually worked in your story and I didn't find it confusing at all. As a suggestion, to add more dimension to Scott, you could have him wonder if they'll survive the day, and then think about his wife and kids/grandkids that he'll never see again. Just brief thoughts in the middle of action to show that he does have a life beyond the plot. Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial? Fantastic plot so far. All developments were revealed through action so nothing felt like an infodump. I did feel that you could have added a little bit more to the tension by having Scott a bit less confident on his way to the bridge. I mean, he never considers the possibility that the other ship might be a superior technology and able to destroy his ship. Once he's seen the scans, he knows they're old using obsolete technology, but on his way to the bridge with the crew panicing around him, it would be nice if he shared some of their anxiety and wondered if the ship would prove to be alien and superior, maybe even recall some report about alien ruins that suggested the race that once lived there were superior to humans. I remember one of Peter Hamilton's books did this — an archaological site that was important in the story held pieces of tech in advance of human tech. Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere? Wonderful pacing. Great stuff. Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?  You're a fantastic writer and I really felt the story. However, watch out for repetative structures and redundancies. You don't need to use Captain Scott and Commander Shay all the time after their positions are introduced. Don't use 'as' so much. Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building? Great dialogue. It reminds me of stories like The Last Ship or Battlestar Galactica. You've got in all the right seafaring terms, and it works well. Watch out for comma punctuation, though. See suggestions. Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes? Fantastic tech and description of the 'enemy' ship. It did, however, make me wonder what 'our' ship looks like in comparison. But, I did notice that you don't include any sensory information to better engage the reader. There are no smells around the ship, Scott doesn't feel any cold or heat, and he doesn't grab a glass of water or anything that might engage senses. Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality? There's nothing really original in the opening chapter, but the descriptions of the 'obsolete' tech were pretty cool, and I found the opening very engaging. Suggestions — a few ideas for possible improvement. Here's some notes I made while reading through the second time: Scott's stomach clenched as he touched his face keying on his bone induction com as he pulled — fantasic showing of his feelings here, but watch out for repetative structures in your narrative that jar. Also, to be honest I couldn't visualise what you meant by 'his face keying on his bone induction com'. I mean, I get that he switched on a com device, but I simply cannot 'see' what this device looks like, where it is, or understand how he 'keys' it. "I'm on my way to the bridge. What's happening?" — nothing really wrong, but beware telling characters what they already know. I mean, if the commander just asked him to come to the bridge, he doesn't need to say where he's on his way to. Also, this is action, so keep all dialogue and narrative as choppy and active as possible. "An unknown ship sir. — you make this same mistake about twenty times, so I'm only going to point it out this once. When you address someone either by name, title or job description in speech, you need to separate their designation from what is said to them using a comma, eg. 'An unknown ship, sir,' 'Hello, Captain,' 'Come here, Sarah,' etc. they have taken a hostile stance," Lieutenant Commander Shay answered. — Several thoughts here. The first is that Comander Shay is female, but the reader does not discover this until seven paragraphs into the story. If the reader has visualised the commander as a man, their suspension of disbelief will be shattered at that revelation. Here, instead of saying Commander Shay answered, if you say 'she answered' then you won't allow any reader to build a view of her as a man, and it's obvious who 'she' is because she's answering a question addressed to Commander Shay. My second thought is that once you've established that Scott is Captain and Shay is Commander, you don't need to keep on using their titles in narrative. To remind the reader of their ranks, use 'Captain' and 'Commander' occasionally in dialogue, in the Captain's case instead of 'sir' on some occasions. This will probably remove about thirty words from your word count, significantly increasing the pace of the chapter. Scott asked as he hurried to the lift midst the running crew members. As they hurried by, he noticed their expressions varied from concern to panic. He was nervous himself as the Navy — I love this stuff about their fear and inexperience. It's great. However, I suggest you run a search for the word 'as' in Word and find alternatives as often as possible. Shay, his XO, spoke through his induction com — okay, the reader is bright enough that by now they can get who Shay is on this ship.  "There must be something here they are protecting," Scott mused. "I want a full sweep of the system, both active and passive scans. There has to be something here." — repeats exactly the same thing as the first sentence. On top of a large ungainly main hull — While I'm not Kingist about adjectives, I count three in front of hull here. Be aware that it's customary to separate out multiple adjectives with commas the same as you would for a list of things, so here large, ungainly, main hull. "Twenty minutes COMMA sir." — at the beginning of this paragraph, he says a few minutes. I wouldn't class twenty as a few. Maybe rephrase the opening speech. Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story. I loved your opening. Though your characters could do with a bit more depth and your setting needs a sensory element, still I was really hooked by this first chapter. If I was in a book shop, I'd buy this one. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing. Best wishes, Bob    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You last responded to this review 10/25/2016 @ 1:53pm EDT