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 Review #4261309 |
      A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the New Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings Antonia Ryder: I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the First Annual "The Chapter One Competition." .Thank you for including our mandatory phrase, Happy sweet sixteen, WDC." You've written a good opening to a novel. It has all the elements that keep the reader guessing while beckoning her to turn each and every page. Your tale is told in Third Person, (Omniscient Narrator, understood) to convey it, and you do it very well. TP can be tricky, but you didn't succumb to any of the usual pitfalls, and the story came through very strong. Rookie, our main character, is cursed with a heart sword. White hair, it is explained, is one of the physical manifestations that accompanies this curse. (One does wonder if this isn't really a curse at all but rather an untapped mystical power that, if left to its own devices and not harnessed properly, could epitomize evil.) Morvan is Rookie's guard, or watcher, and he reveals and explains to Rookie some mysteries of the curse that bring some of the pieces of his lifelong puzzle into perspective for the lad. But poor Rookie has no idea how to harness and tame the curse that until now has brought him nothing but banishment from his homeland, shame, lowliness, and loneliness. The knight ghosts, legend has it, were summoned 200 years ago by a wizard with evil on his mind, but they were too strong for him. In short order, they over-powered and destroyed him. Since then they have run amok, so to speak. Only those with the heart sword curse can stop the knight ghosts. One thing I might add here, is a suggestion that Rookie be identified earlier. Our main character moves through more than half the chapter unidentified. It's impossible to get close to a disembodied voice. Indeed the little girl is given a name and a voice before the the MC, by several paragraphs, and she repeats it. Going through this much trouble to make sure the reader will remember her is an indication she will appear in a very significant role as the story moves forward. (If this is not the case, it's even more important you name him first, and don't have her repeat her name.-- But I do think we'll see her again, so this is moot.) Overall, it's wonderful beginning with epic overtones, and I'd like to follow the story. Some suggestions I'd like to leave you with concern comma usage and dialogue/exposition relationships. Commas There are several instances where this type of comma confusion slips in. until the youth remained alone, violin lowered and pale, round face contorted into a grimace. He pulled the rim of his hat down so it cast his features into shadow, and lowered the horsehair bow so it could have tapped the ground. and pale, round face and pale round face Unless you would add the word "and" between descriptives, you do not need a comma. In this particular sentence, you would not add that word, so no comma. In another instance, where the translation would be pale and round face, you could use the comma in place of "and". Checking to see if the word"and" would fit is the test for this comma usage. into shadow, and lowered into shadow and lowered A comma is not needed unless two independent clauses are joined by a conjunction. You would need a comma if you used the word "he" after "and", making two separate and independent clauses (or sentences) that are joined together by a conjunction (like this: into shadow, and he lowered.) Dialogue Also once we move into a lot of dialogue, it is imperative to make sure there is no confusion over who is speaking. Attach dialog to the exposition that defines it, and remember that if the other character nods or reacts in any way to something said by the previous character, it is a response and therefore a step in dialogue. It will require its own paragraph. You do have a handle not this, but there were enough slips, I felt it worth mentioning. “Do you want something?” he asked. “Oh, I wouldn’t mind a coin or two, sir. For reminding you to pick them up.” He lifted his gaze to see if she might be joking, but her expression didn’t change and her fingers curled over the hem of her dirty clothes. “Here then.” He flicked one of the larger coppers her way. “You can have that. Thank you.” She caught the coin, but lingered as if she turned into a wraith haunting his grave. “I never heard a musician play a happy song while crying.” “Do you want something?” he asked. “Oh, I wouldn’t mind a coin or two, sir. For reminding you to pick them up.” He lifted his gaze to see if she might be joking, but her expression didn’t change and her fingers curled over the hem of her dirty clothes. “Here then.” He flicked one of the larger coppers her way. “You can have that. Thank you.” She caught the coin, but lingered as if she turned into a wraith haunting his grave. “I never heard a musician play a happy song while crying.” CLOSING STATEMENT Thank you for joining in the Competition. It has been a pleasure reading your chapter, and I look forward to reading the rest f the story!   This review has been prepared for you by a proud member of ** Image ID #1953557 Unavailable **   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/23/2016 @ 6:01pm EDT