%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4260921 |
 | Three Weird Sisters--Chapter 1  [E] First chapter of a YA novel  |
| (4.5)       A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the New Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings Weirdone-Back in the games: I am reviewing "Three Weird Sisters--Chapter 1" today as part of the First Annual "The Chapter One Competition." .Thank you for including the mandatory phrase, Happy Sweet Sixteen, WDC. What I Liked Best:The relationship and banter amongst the sisters. Very realistic. Had me smiling throughout. I also liked your using the rain. You have a quiet, stylistic way of adding profound symbolism. Opener: Your opener is the first impression of your story. Make it as intriguing and powerful as possible. Always name your Main Character (MC) here and reveal at least a hint at what kind of story this will be. Your most important job in this paragraph is to draw the reader into the POV character's head. This cannot happen if the POV character is a disembodied voice. Plot: The plot is hinted at sufficiently in this chapter for me to turn the page. I'm not sure of the unnamed man, other than he claims to be a witch (warlock, perhaps?) and he's on an assignment that somehow involves these two sisters. I'm not sure how or where the third sister will fit in, but I believe it will be significant, given the title. (If this is not so, you'll need to change that title, btw.) Character Development: You are writing in Third Person, using an Omniscient Narrator's point of view (ON POV) to deliver the story. This is tricky, and you take quite a chance, but overall, you have a clear and solid grasp on how to deliver it this way. Kudos, that. I have never mastered writing from an ON POV; so I'm a little jealous at the moment. The unnamed man is drawn out well enough. He's familiar with Boston and the Sox, (and he lets us know we are in Massachusetts). He likes music and is driving a Lincoln. He's been in the armed forces and is currently in another kind of service, but what his precise goal is in this story is yet to be revealed. It is hinted at sufficiently. The three sisters are teens and pre-teens, and acting out just as one would expect. Their personalities are as diverse as real sisters' would be. One is enthusiastic about sports, the other into reading Shakespeare, and the third is a bit of a rebel, smoking and all. The three taunt and tease each other and join forces to tease their mom, but genuine affections lie beneath the surface at all times. Further, you covertly reveal, through their banter, they have an odd enjoyment of working and playing in rain, and they are students of the martial arts. I'm interested to see how all this will converge within the story as it unfolds. Dialog: They do sound very similar, but they should; they are sisters and close in age. You make it easy on the reader by using exposition and dialog tags, and it works. I had not a single moment of confusion. Spelling Punctuation Grammar: I did make a few notes below in the line edits section where you could tighten up the prose. To that end, here are two of my favorite links: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/ and http://www.grammarbook.com/english_rules.aspWe use them religiously in the Novel Workshop. (Did you see what I did there? It's a teensy pun.)  Hook: Hooks vary in degrees. In this case, I am hooked by the things mentioned above. In the line edit section, I made a note for you on just where you hooked me in this chapter. Nicely done. I look forward to reading more of the story!  SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT  In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in this portion of my review: Your Words My Impressions as I Read Editing Suggestions To tighten your prose and make it more affective, I suggest eliminating certain words from your vocabulary altogether. Suddenly, finally, and actually are subjective and mean different things to different people. Eliminate them wherever you see them. Chapter1-From Out of the Dark Storm A perfect chapter title, just the right amount of foreboding for what is to come. Well thought out and crafted. The man drove slowly past the cranberry bogs. About an hour ago, he had driven past Boston, a place that he knew almost nothing about except that it was the home of the Red Sox, but now he was approaching Middleboro, a town that he knew even less about except that it was the home of two extremely important people. If anyone had asked him how he knew that these two particular people were in this particular town, he would have been hard-pressed to explain it, at least to anyone who did not know about witchcraft, but then he doubted that anyone would ask. Who is the man? Very long sentences. Can you break them up? Consider using contractions for better effect. the singer was talking about Not likely. Suggest rewording.  sudddenly Spelling suddenly Here is an example of how to craft and tighten when editing. "Good question," said Tracy. "Let's get another opinion. Hey Amanda!" she called. "Come over here for a minute." said Tracy is rather juvenile. Maybe, grow it up a bit? Tracy said. Hey, Amanda, she called. Come over here indicates she called out to Amanda, so you don't need to tell Reader what is already obvious. "Good question," Tracy said. "Let's get another opinion. Hey Amanda! Come over here for a minute." "White witches?" said Tracy. "You're not even making sense now. This is Middleboro, not Salem. There are no witches around here." "But there will be soon enough." This where you hooked me. Right here.  CLOSING STATEMENT Thank you for joining in the Competition. I quite enjoyed your Chapter One and look forward to reading the rest of the story.   This review has been prepared for you by a proud member of ** Image ID #1953557 Unavailable **   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You have not yet responded to this review.