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 Review #4259840 |
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| (4.0)| A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings {huser:Jenn of House Greyjoy} I am reviewing "Invalid Item" today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## ! Title and Author: In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review: Your Words: Bold Black{} My Impressions as I read: Bold Green Editing Suggestions:Bold Red Plot:: A young girl of six is tested to see what her magical powers are. It turns out she has all of the magical powers of Spirit, Earth, Water, Air and Fire which makes her very unusual. Hook: First of several hooks appears in the second paragraph where it is pointed out who is coming to the palace and why. The reader now wants to know exactly what the test is and how it turns out. Opening Sentence and Paragraph: Introduction of the main character is an excellent way to start. Characters Development: Alistair - Gwen's father Morgan - Gwen's mother Gwen Maneherder Jarrod Hallowfang, the King of Trellion.Queen at the castle Taurus Longhorn Evelyn Stormsong- Taurus' mother Virgo Stormsong- Taurus' father Members of the royal castle Matrim - Crowned Prince Evelyn Stormsong - Grand Enchantress of the Trellion Tower of Magi Dialogue: I found the dialogue well done. I had no problem telling who was talking at any given time. Punctuation and Structure: He looked up when a large hand resed (spelling ) on his small shoulder. There was a portrait of her in the sitting room of his chambers ... Just as he poke (not sure what word you want here) Alistair, Morgan, and Gwen emerged ... He stepped forward and crouched before Gwen. (not a new paragraph) “Happy Birth Anniversary, young lady.” ... Taurus cradling an infant girl in his arms flashed through his (I think you want to say "her" instead of "his" here) mind. Closing Statement I enjoyed reading what you wrote. You have made some improvements since the last time I read this chapter. Thank you for submitting. Starling
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You responded to this review 09/19/2016 @ 7:44pm EDT