Greetings Sand Castles Shopgirl 739

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH 5 !


In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words: Bold Black{}
My Impressions as I read: Bold Green
Editing Suggestions:Bold Red


OVERALL IMPRESSION
The premise for the story is good, but it's missing the connection with your audience. Adding Emma and Abby in after the fall seemed like dumping information. Same with the birthday scene.

What I Liked Best:
I like the family mystery aspect that Jessie needs to unravel.

WRITING SKILLS AND CRAFT

Opening Sentence:
I know the main characters name and it starts with action.

Opening Paragraph:
Good job setting the scene and pulling me into your book.

Plot:
Jessie is searching for a key to open an old book her grandfather left behind. She is trapped in what she believes to be a dungeon of her grandfathers manor and is scared.

Character Development:
Jessie seems to have had a close relationship with her grandfather. She's holding onto the book as if it's a treasure. I wanted to feel for her more, identify with her, connect and root for her, but I didn't get there. When you tell me what your characters are doing, you also have to show us what they are feeling. Wiping a tear away isn't enough to pull us in. For example: She sat on the cold dirty floor, tears zigzagging down her cheeks, making her bottom lip quiver. Fear of being trapped in the dungeon took hold, gripping her heart tight, while her body trembled.~~ Paint a clearer picture that shows your reader what is happening to your character.

Dialog:
Dialogue was mostly internal, which seemed to work.

Spelling & Punctuation:
Jessie said to herself as she pushed herself up off of the dirt floor.

what she had been in the process of doing. Following the instructions in the last letter from her grandfather on where to find the key.too wordy and repetitive

She could not help but feel that she should know what-where? the key was,

She turned to look,

Inching over to the broken rock, she could see a key lying on the top of the pile. Of crumbled stone. <--one sentence

Grammar:
You have a good grasp of grammar.

Continuity:
The sorority scene was jarring and didn't work. It did pull me out of the action. I know you need to keep the information so we know Jessie isn't alone in the house, but there has to be a better way to filter in the information.

Form:
Jessie's fear needs to be shown more. Rapid heart beat, deep breaths, holding the book in a death grip, etc.

Clarity:
Plot is appearing, easy to follow.

Hook:
Finding the key to the book and following her grandfathers instructions is the hook. The secret door is hook to chapter two.

CREATIVITY and PRESENTATION

Structure:
Adding more urgency and detail for Jessie would make it stronger. Changing the college scene, or omitting it would make it flow better.

Figurative Language & Vocabulary:
No issues.

Rhythm & Meter:
College scene interrupted the flow, but the rest of the story moved along well.


CLOSING STATEMENT
I liked the way Jessie was following her grandfather's wishes and her curiosity. She didn't seem to be afraid to follow into that tunnel under the house and find out where it would lead.}/c}

Purple Holiday Princess

STATIC

Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis  (E) Looking for solid NOVEL feedback from other novelists? The NW is BACK & better than ever! #2088228 by Carol St.Ann

Gives us this:

A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW
Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop
The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .