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 Review #4257903 |
| A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings Ever I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## ! Title and Author: In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review: Your Words: Bold Black{} My Impressions as I read: Bold Green Editing Suggestions:Bold Red Plot:: Lady Altarn rides madly into her castle. She starts to take her anger out on a wooden dummy in the practice yard. Eventually she makes her way to her room where her maid has a bath and court gown waiting for her. After telling her maid she is furious because the man she had just gone to see thought all she wanted to do was jump into bed. Getting dressed she heads for the State Hall for a meeting. Hook: The opening two sentences are an excellent hook. They make the reader want to know why the woman is riding so fast. Nicely done. Opening Sentence and Paragraph: I was pulled into the scene very quickly by the opening paragraph. You introduced your main character, although instead of saying "... the woman's dark cloak..." I would have said Lady Altarn's dark cloak..." I like to give the name of the main character as soon as possible, letting the reader instantly connect with the person they are being introduced to. Characters Development: Lady Altarn - main character Japheron - Head of her guard Ratavia - Altarn's personal maid Jessom - man mentioned, who Lady Altarn went to meet Dialogue: The dialogue was crisp and well done. I had no problem telling who was talking. Punctuation and Structure: Could find no problem with punctuation or structure Closing Statement I was drawn into the story very quickly, enjoying the level of imagery you gave the story. I did find you submitted more than one chapter. I have marked the division below. She must have seen Altarn’s subtle withdrawal because she finished curling and pinning her hair without another word. Altarn stood, and avoiding her reflection in the mirror, trudged the downhill journey into the court room. END OF CHAPTER All seven members were already seated, one baron for each major city in Blindvar. There were actually six cities, but there could not be an even number in the court room. The seventh was a random member qualified to be a court official, currently held by a female named Brigot. The idea of females serving in positions of authority was not settling easy. I have given my reason for this statement below. ( http://www.writersdigest.com/writing-articles/by-writing-goal/complete-first-dra... ) BREAK CHAPTERS WHEN YOUR STORY REQUIRES A SHIFT. Changes of place, changes of time and changes of point of view are all excellent places for chapter breaks. Sometimes, our stories necessitate them. For example: END OF ONE CHAPTER: He wiped the sweat from his forehead, took one last squinting look up at the flat, brassy African sky and straightened his limp, damp jacket as well as he could. “We’re done here,” he told Howard. “Let’s get to the airport.”BEGINNING OF NEXT CHAPTER: Maine. Cool, misty, green. A pewter-colored sky … A chapter break like this underscores the fact that there’s been a significant change of some kind—of place, of perspective, of point of view, of plot direction. It jogs your reader’s mind, telling him that it’s time for a reorientation, a retaking of his bearings. You have introduced a very strong woman figure. It will be interesting to see how you counter her with a strong male figure. Thank you for posting. Starling
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You responded to this review 09/10/2016 @ 12:29am EDT