%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4257430 |
| A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings Shaye I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN THE LAST PARAGRAPH ! OVERALL IMPRESSION This has potential, you have a mystery that has a dark sort of humor to it. I like that. I like the voice in here. But... it feels rushed. I feel like this chapter needs to be fleshed out more. For instance, where are they in the beginning? Where is she talking to Eli? How did Eli even come to discover she was alive? And then once they reach the station, no one fingerprints her, questions her, they just accept that she is who she says? What I Liked Best: I loved the details you put in about the head, how it was wearing her shade of lipstick and eye shadow, her perfume. These details not only pull readers into the story more, they also make it even creepier--which is great in this case! WRITING SKILLS AND CRAFT Opening Sentence and paragraph: So maybe this is a crazy idea, but I think you should start this tale after the break. Like looking in a mirror, my dead face stared blankly at me. This would be a heck of a hook. You can always backtrack and explain how she came to be where she is. Not much information is given in the first few paragraphs so it could easily be put in after the fact. Plot: Zea Avery is a cop who was is very much alive--despite the genetic replica of her head that was left on her precinct's doorstep. Character Development: This needs to be developed a bit more. I have no sense of who Zea is, heck I'm not even sure if Zea is short for anything. You should identify the character sooner, give me an idea of how old she is. I know she's married, what color hair she has, and that she's a cop and nothing else. Does she have kids? A partner? Is she a beat cop, undercover, a murder cop? Give me a better sense of who she is. You've got an outline, now add some color and life to it. Dialog: Dialog flowed well and felt natural. Spelling & Punctuation & Grammar: Nothing stood out to me. But this is not my strong point. http://owl.english.purdue.edu/ http://www.grammarbook.com/english_rules.asp Continuity: Story is a logical and easy to follow order. I just wish there was more of it, which is good! You made me want to read more. Form: As I've said, you need to fatten this up a bit. Delve deeper. Give me a sense of who our MC is. Clarity: I mentioned a few things already, like how did Eli come to discover Zea was still alive? Why did no one question who she was? How did the media figure out so quickly? If the head was left in a public place, rather than the precinct's doorstep, I would believe it had been discovered quickly. But that's not the case. I also doubt they'd let her work on this case without a heck of a fight. Hook: Heck of a hook! They think she's dead--they've got her severed head after all--but she's not dead. CREATIVITY and PRESENTATION Structure: This is a promising start but again, it needs more details. Engage all my senses like you did when she was examining the head. Figurative Language & Vocabulary: Nothing stood out, no complaints. Rhythm & Meter: Good flow. CLOSING STATEMENT I am intrigued. I want to know what's going to happen, is she who she says she is and if so how in the heck did that head come to be? Have you seen Orphan Black? It's about clones and I immediately think of that (though there are no similarities that I can see other than identical clone-type things.) You've got a good hook set in, now reel me in with the details and senses. Promising start!  
|
||||||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You responded to this review 09/18/2016 @ 1:47pm EDT