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 Review #4256584 |
      A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the New Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings Andy~hating university: I am reviewing "Invalid Item" today as part of the First Annual "The Chapter One Competition." .HANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH #16! He silently cursed as another one of the banners that the Muggle-loving fool Dumbledore had plastered the school with wafted past him and floated on down the corridor. The words “Happy Sweet Sixteen WDC” were emblazoned on it. The old fool had even charmed it to flash different colours. OVERALL IMPRESSION A Harry Potter fanfic simply cannot be resisted. First, because he's so darn lovable, but moreso because I'm captivated by the thought of reading another writer's take on Rowling's character ensemble. What I Liked Best:The new and improved Malfoy. You've written him in a new way I find intriguing. WRITING SKILLS and CRAFT Opening Sentence: Everyone knew that strange things happened in the small classroom on the fourth floor. This is a great opener. It's short, succinct, and has a hook. I want to know what things happen in there that even witches find strange. Opening Paragraph: Everyone knew that strange things happened in the small classroom on the fourth floor. Well, stranger things than those that usually occurred in the school. The classroom, although in use during the day, was strictly out of bounds to all students after dark. Again, you've done our job here. What happens in there? Why only at night? Does whatever happens have something to do with the dark or the moon or the stars? You've got me where you want me. I have to read on. Plot: I have a very good sense of where this story is going - on several levels. Harry's got an issue to deal with. He's discovered something in that room he does't want to face. And yet, being Harry Potter, we know he will. What is the secret? How will he handle it? Can he make a difference or must he conquer it? Meanwhile, we see a new side of Malfoy and can't help but wonder what horrors this may bring for him. Lastly, why did Snape make that threatening statement? I feel it was more than sarcasm, but that's just me. Character Development: You are employing an Omniscient Narrator for this fanfic, but it was a little clumsy at first. Needs a bit of tightening. Nothing drastic; tweaking. Straight away, I felt caught-up in some significant head-hopping -- from Harry's fearful encounter in the classroom, to McGonagall's impression of what he was doing. Dialog: Dialog was very well done and not laden by tags. I had no trouble whatsoever discerning who was speaking. A few moments of unnatural, forced info-dumping sneaking in through narration might be more cleverly flashed out through some peppy dialog between the friends. I suggest some attention to these parts. From what I've read so far, I'm quite looking forward to watching this unfold. Spelling Punctuation Grammar:I noted you write using UK conventions and spelling and saw no errors or deviations. Then again, I have read you before and didn't expect to see any. Continuity: It's highly unlikely to see flashbacks, or have characters delve so deeply into their pasts in chapter one, but this is a fan fiction novel and a far cry from the norm. What's worth mentioning here about this, is that you have woven the characters' pasts into the story and that you have, for the most part, done it well. The only thing I would mention here is that, each time you do it, you start by mentioning the same series of facts you did earlier. I think those repetitive parts can be eliminated, not so much for continuity as for word economy. Too much repetition can numb-down the story. CREATIVITY and PRESENTATION Structure:Fanfiction is very different from original fiction in that its characters, in most cases, do not have to be introduced or fleshed out. -- unless new characters are bing introduced into the already developed fictive world -- Fanfiction affords a luxury writers and readers don't normally experience; we can delve directly into the story without the typical characterizations and descriptions. But this coin does have another side. The not-so-wonderful part, is that readers will expect (I dare say demand) much more care from the writer when defining their beloved characters' inner thoughts and outward actions and dialog. Their precious literary friends are being quite literally possessed by an outsider! Adherence to canon is paramount. I've witnessed fans become downright vicious when a fanfic writer deviates from it. *cracks knuckles* So, now that I have lifted your spirits  what say we have a little chat about this story of yours, hmmmm?SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in this portion of my review: Your Words My Impressions as I Read Editing Suggestions We open in the head of the omniscient narrator for paragraphs 1 and 2. And then appear to head hop quite a bit. It's a little dizzying at first, until we settle on Goyle for a while. I need you to pick one character - and it may actually end up being the omniscient narrator, (which is definitely the choice I would make) but even the O.N. POV needs to be refined and crafted. This needs a little love. The story is wonderfully drawn out and a very entertaining fun read. But... craft it a little more. Tighten it up. Fiddle with it. Get a little artsy if you need to. I'd like an air of mysticism and moodiness, especially whenever Snape is around.  Crafting is the fun part of writing. Okay, on with the rest: The simple fact that she was nervous was enough to make him even more wary of what had transpired in the classroom. Great soft hook here. I want to know why McG is so upset. Although he had not heard any of the conversation that had transpired, for Draco Malfoy had also cast a silencing charm over him,PERIOD He had seen the great Saint Potter, Should this be Saint Harry(?) Goyle’s heart dropped into his stomach. He remembered Snape’s warning to Slytherin House when he started at Hogwarts. Since who started at Hogwarts? The antecedent is Snape, but I think you mean Goyle. Or was Goyle a student already when Snape came to Hogwarts? Since no Slytherin had ever really trusted another Slytherin, it was completely beyond Lucius Malfoy’s comprehension that the younger Crabbe and Goyle might actually want to be friends with Draco. NICELY done! I actually raised my eyebrows at this line. You've got me now. Harry had faced Voldemort down the dungeons and saved the Philosopher’s Stone, Missing word? "in" As if the school year hadn’t started off with enough problems for Harry to contend with, he now had this to worry about as well. SERIOUSLY?! This is where you're leaving me? I . . . Well . . . We are no longer friends! (VERY well done, mister! ) Thank you for joining in the Competition. It has been a real pleasure reading your fanfic chapter. I think I'll write a Downton fanfic.    This review has been thoughtfully prepared for you by a proud member of ** Image ID #1953557 Unavailable **   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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