Greetings {huser:Captain Tony Nelson (Tv show)}

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## !
Title and Author:

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words: Bold Black{}
My Impressions as I read: Bold Green
Editing Suggestions:Bold Red


Plot::
Volton is the head wizard of a school for wizards. His brother Axyl, inherited the Palace in Astere as Duke of Blrang, upon the death of their father, Borgul. Volton is trying to figure out how to live forever. Berlyn has made Volton fall in love with her. She was sent as a spy by Yuela.

Hook:
There are several hooks introduced. The first is the "dream" sequence at the very beginning of the chapter. It did make me so I wanted to see who was "dreaming" and why the "dream" happened.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The Story is opened with what is possibly a dream sequence, signified by italics. It can be taken for granted the a main protagonist is the one dreaming or thinking

Characters Development:
Volton - Protagonist; eighty year old wizard; wants to live forever

Berlyn - First introduced as Protagonist, but this will possibly change as the story continues; woman, early 20's, who Volton likes

Yuela - Antagonist; Wizardess; wants Volton dead,

Axyl - Secondary character; only introduced as a name in first chapter.

Dialogue:
The dialogue was easy to understand and follow.


Punctuation and Structure:
...Two years ago, Yuela, the wizardess (cap) , discovered...
.
.. Only a very bold wizard would have dared to attack the most powerful wizard since the time of Kislyp. The only reason I can see to have this part of the sentance, is show how egotistical Volton is.... It doesn't seem to fit into the easy flow of the story.

Finger thin cracks covered the wall (add "s") into which weeds...

... He discovered, within a few days of her arrival, she had no ability at any of the wizardly arts;

... wall under the bookcase; opening the door, he entered the secret room ... When you describe this hidden room earlier in the chapter, you make no mention of a door. At that time I took it that only the stone wall divided the two rooms.

Closing Statement
You have a nice ability to use poetic phases to set your scene. I do think you are using it more as a telling mechanism then showing. I have tried using dream sequences before in my writing and they were never as a good standard to follow. The first sentence or paragraph should introduce your main protagonist.

This story has a lot of potential.

Starling