Greetings Lisa Angelo

I am Joey C, and I am here in your port as part of our teams Review/challenge for "Game of Thrones" I am pressed into to service for the House of GREYJOY



I have dispatched this raven to provide the review and reply to your recent posting of "Invalid Item" .


Why I picked this entry to review -

I almost always prefer reading and reviewing a WdC author's newest or most recent works, as it reflects their current skill levels. This item was the most current static item posted that I saw.



What I read -

Okay, the first chapter of a love story/romance. Now, before I go too far. I must tell you that I just read the first chapter, and I usually would read more than one before sending a review. But I am pressed into service for the Game Of Thrones, and the battles are furious we have little time to court our bannermen.

However, I will come back and read all the chapters later and offer my take in more detail. The plot is an attractive girl meets a boy and falls in love, the girl comes home to find the boy in bed with another woman, the girl doesn't take it lightly when this interloper gets to wear the ring that might have been hers. The girl goes out to forget her troubles and perhaps even find some new ones of her own. The girl sees an old flame that she thought long extinguished but discovers her blood has not cooled after all.

A few notes on SPAG and Style -

I did see opportunities where you could have used more active verbs and could have opted for better word selections in place of overused words. Now, I am the worst with SPAG; I have to use copy-editors on my finished stuff, or it is unreadable. So please, do not think I am complaining, No, I only point out that the SPAG police are probably going to cite you.

I saw 7 contextual spelling issues, four of them depends on whether you are using American English Or the Queen's English. (grey vs. gray), "Three-year-old" should be hyphenated, as should "part-time", and there is no "s" in "afterward."

There is 1 grammar issue: "A strippers" should be "A stripper's"

I also counted 15 punctuation issues, mostly commas, but I will not list them here.

A few thoughts on the story -

It's hard to comment on a story with just this small start, (there are only 1300 words in the chapter.) However, just looking at this chapter. I liked the jacket cover intro. It laid out the story well. I liked the candor and tenor of the language. If we are writing to a modern audience, then our characters should sound like their contemporaries. I liked the way you described Rick and River, I really like metaphoric over direct description.

Now, I did think there were areas that you could have been more showy. Some parts, I didn't find interesting at all. Like when you were describing what Adair was going to wear when she goes out and how she put on her makeup. And some of the dialogue seemed forced. And there are places that you could shorten the language like instead of a cell-phone, use cell, or phone, I almost never hear anyone refer to the instrument using the complete name.

I have been told by more than one author that editors like it when we let our readers figure stuff out on their own, instead of us giving them every detail. I am not the best at this, but let's look at your opening as an example:



What if you tried to be more concise, do you think the reader would still get the jest of the moment if you said it more like this?



I think you could leave the cat out of the scene don't see where it adds much to the story.

In Closing -

I hope you continue this story and other efforts, Perhaps a few review/raids from GOT teams will spark your muse. I hope so; we need the WdC pool of writers to be active and growing, else we stagnate and die. It is evident that you have all the imagination necessary to put together an entertaining tale. So come out and join the fray with us, as we all look for our voices, the one, that will be one day, cut through the din and garner the attention of the world.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .