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Review #4237371
Viewing a review of:
 The Day Men Open in new Window. [E]
The Day Men is about men in their day encounters. How they operate to avoid each other.
by Charles Coombs Author Icon
Review of The Day Men  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
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"Game of Thrones"  Open in new Window. by Gaby Author Icon
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PLOT -
An inside look into men's lives and their interactions with one another, or not.

SETTING -
When Ted enters the kitchen you did good with describing him and how he acted. The rest of the piece was mostly 'telling.'

CHARACTERS -
Jim can pinpoint his faults and list them effortlessly. Ted is Jim's landlord and usually makes coffee for Jim on the weekends. He's confused about his sister's pregnancy and the fact that she won't marry the father of her baby. Jerry is on vacation.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
passing the hours of the day avoiding the traps that<--2 options here: capitalize Passing, add a comma between day and avoiding, OR use a comma before 'passing'

Dreams are slippery and there is no telling how far the fall will be or what is at the end, if there is an end.

Jim looked qt/at Ted with recognition thqt/that something true had been spoken.

THOUGHTS -
The segue's from one man to the next are confusing. If you added a little backstory about out their lives have crossed over the decades it would make it easier to understand why Jerry was added in at the end. When writing dialog, if the person thinking is different from the person talking, start a new paragraph. Each portion of conversation should be separated with a space. I didn't understand the connection to the dreams. This is how your piece starts and there should be a tie in there somewhere else in the story. When there is a point of view shift, it's important to let the reader know, either by extra spacing, using CAPS, or some kind of line break that makes the transition smooth. You have room to expand this and really drive home your point and the connection between the three men and how dreams tie into daily life. Write on!

This would be my name.
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