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 Review #4230850 |
   A SHORT STORY REVIEW From CAROL REVIEWS The opinions contained in this review are subjective, intended to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Hello, Antonia Ryder, it has been my pleasure to read "Invalid Item" today. Here, in affiliation with "Game of Thrones" , are some of my subjective thoughts and impressions for your perusal. OVERALL IMPRESSION We meet the king, Ele, and his beloved little sister who falls into the clutches of the enemy (in several forms) and must be saved. This is a grand opportunity to tell an epic tale of love, loyalty, determination, and ambition. *thumbs* STORY DEVELOPMENT Plot & Characters Development is good, though I felt some things did not work. There are a few minor continuity issues. The biggest issue I have with this story is that Chanin and Airith, knowing the King is losing his mind to insanity and having uncontrollable violent, murderous outbursts, plan to go have a little talk with him about taking the cure for what ails him. It's just too unlikely, when their kingdom and very life are in danger of complete annihilation, that they would take it upon themselves to abandon their charged duties and tasks to approach a maniacal killer, risking their own lives and those of all they know - even if he is the king. (I might be able to wrap my arms around their deciding to kidnap him; pull him away, against his will, from his quest to save his sister, and him.) That said, I do like the twists and unexpected turns, and the second set of problems running alongside the first make for a very well-rounded story. TECHNICAL ASPECTS Grammar, Spelling, Pace, Flow, Line Edits The best advice I can offer is to watch out for pronouns (paying close attention to how they relate to antecedents), and make use of punctuation, especially commas wherever they can make things more clear. However everything goes well, and he thinks he has the matter under control. That is until his cousins’ party is crashed by men in enemy colours. Suggest eliminating the word "However" as it's better saved for business letters and science papers. If you must us always follow with a comma. the other three members of his retinue, then drinks an ancient alchemy potion for invincibility (it's never a good idea to allow for confusion, but especially in a document you plan to send to an agent. Suggest: retinue, and then he Ele shows his violent streak and gashes his face by mistake. (Ele is the antecedent here, so it's confusing. Suggest: Ele shows his violent streak and gashes Chanin's face by mistake.) he is finally ready to rest and take council from Rilae (SP. Counsel) I hope I have been helpful.     .
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You responded to this review 07/04/2016 @ 6:14pm EDT