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 Review #4230732 |
 | Invalid Item  [] |
| (4.5)    A SHORT STORY REVIEW From CAROL REVIEWS The opinions contained in this review are intended to be honest and helpful as so many others have been to me. Hello, JustTurtle, it has been my pleasure to read "Invalid Item" today. Here, in affiliation with "Game of Thrones" , are some of my subjective thoughts and impressions for your perusal. OVERALL IMPRESSION Well. Well. Well. It seems Miss Carter is having an interesting few days. Whether or not they're destined to be remembered as good days remains to be seen. That said, I do like her. She's strong and smart without an ounce of sap. And Sand James is in for it if he thinks she's a pushover. Then again, he's rather a large character in his own rite. I like the idea of the two of them getting together and am more than confident life would be interesting on many, many levels! You've written them well. Distinct and available; two people I feel I might know - and certainly would like to. Just wonderful work. STORY DEVELOPMENT Plot & Characters From first glimpse to awkward first meeting to first date and thoughts of a possible relationship, this story takes the reader on a lovely ride, complete with humor and just enough pep to avoid cliches and sap. (And to answer the question you pose at the conclusion, well, I think it would be fun to indicate he's a baddie, but have it all be a misunderstanding and let the girl get the guy after all. Just my dreamy-eyed romantic heart speaking there.  As you can see, I've become emotionally engaged.) TECHNICAL ASPECTS Grammar, Spelling, Pace, Flow, Line Edits You've written a very interesting opener for a love story that's a little off the beaten track. Not an easy feat. Kudos! You have wonderful quirky style with a terrific sense of timing and turn-of-phrase that give the story a witty, sarcastic tone I find entertaining. To add to the enjoyment, you have a wonderful grasp of POV and kept true to Miss Carter's first person rendition flawlessly. Bless you! I've listed a few quick edit notes and some commentary in an effort to be helpful. Be assured, I only edit if I truly like the piece I'm reviewing. (I guess it's a way to be a part of it. In this case, a part of the fun!): but it wasn’t just a little polite glance and a handshake neither. (either) when he came and plopped my world on its pate ("pate" being "head") {why not just say head, rather than disrupt the flow with the parenthetical explanation? Something to consider.) ‘Sand’ as in dirt that really hurts when it gets blown into your eye (Loved this clever little turn of phrase!) (The bold print began to offend my eyes at about the third paragraph.  )but he sure was handsome and he sure did want me, but I realized I didn’t want him and so here I am, stuck working (Any sentence that takes three full lines is a wee bit too long. Further, the "but... but" reads a little younger than I believe the narrator to be. And there is an inexplicable change in tense.) Ok, ok, I’ll go. But not before you give me your number. (It's OK or Okay, but never Ok or ok.) Tom, being the great boss that he was (I thought her father was her boss. This is the first mention of Tom. Maybe bring him in earlier or give him a title like manager or something?) I went to dinner with him that night. (Which night? I thought she'd stated she was free to dine with him on Thursday. I also thought she was bringing a friend along... ) I can't wait to read more of your work! To your continued success!     .
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You responded to this review 07/15/2016 @ 6:26pm EDT