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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4151404
Review #4151404
Viewing a review of:
 When All Else Fails Open in new Window. [18+]
Short Story about a detective and the disappearance of a woman.
by CEvanThompson Author Icon
In affiliation with The Dark Society  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi,
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Overall Impression
The exposition in some places is overwhelming, but overall, it's a good story that kept me engaged. I was curious about the title, it suggests another story might stem from this one.

Setting/Plot/Characters
Everything sort of runs together, which is not that unusual when the writer is delivering information. The first sentence was my favorite. With such an intense description of the office, these details would be necessary if more stories followed. If not, maybe consider cutting back on some of the similes.

I would also suggest paragraphing this. Breaking up the dialogue and separating it from the narrative. It took a bit longer than I liked to figure out who Mr. Payne was. The characterization was outstanding, but it was lost in the words.

One thing for sure. You're consistent in your style of story-telling. And really, that part is up to you. Most write with descriptive scenes and dialogue, which makes for a great read.

One of my favorite phrases was 'a hard word to strike her dead'. That showed her frailness precisely. I wondered who 'they' were. Somehow, this man understands Bella's circumstances.

Such a promising read, if only your gems were more visible, rather than caught up in a tumble of words. Just my take, that's all.

As a Registered Author, according to the rules of the activity linked below, you are a minor hex, and this review will lift the spell you cast. *Laugh*
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