Hello Marci Missing Everyone ,

I am reviewing your poem for the "Invalid Item" .

I am reviewing this item because I saw it on my newsfeed some time ago and the title caught my attention. As someone who suffers from depression I wanted to read this poem because I was interested to read someone else's take on a subject I use often in my own writing. Also, I like to read poetry that I feel I can connect to on an emotional level.

Opening thoughts

I found this to be a dark and intensely emotional poem about what it is like to suffer from depression. I could really relate to the ideas and emotions expressed in this piece and my heart went out to the narrator. I would not wish this illness on anyone. It is a terrible thing and it can ruin lives. It can be misunderstood by people too and that is a great tragedy.

Stanza one

This opening stanza is very interesting. The narrator seems to be okay on the surface but of course the outside world can't see what is in her heart and mind. This is one of the most horrible things about depression -- it can be absolutely debilitating and yet it is a hidden or invisible illness, making it hard for others to see or to sometimes even understand that a person is struggling. It is very easy to look at people and think they live a charmed life when really we have no idea what is going on for them. I think you captured that idea well with this stanza.

I think there are some interesting language choices in this part of the poem -- I like how you have used both meanings and pronunciations of the word "tear". However, I'm not sure about the use of both "although" and "though" in the same sentence -- I think maybe only one is necessary. The word "though" seems to be redundant so I would suggest removing it. However, you would then need to find something to replace the missing syllables but I'm sure you could easily do this if you agree with my point.

The idea of unseen pain is maybe a bit of a cliché but it does perfectly describe what it is like to suffer from depression. So I don't think an alternative is strictly necessary but it might be worth bearing in mind that phrases like this crop up in poetry of this nature all the time.

I feel the punctuation could use a little work here. I personally feel that a comma would work better after the second line as this part is tied in with the third line. Then I think that some form of punctuation could be useful for after the third line. This would then serve two purposes. Firstly it would connect these two lines with each other and secondly it would mean that the fourth line no longer reads as a fragment.

Stanza two

I feel that the second stanza expands nicely on the first one, reiterating the point that depression is a hidden illness. I like the idea of the anger being hidden as well -- I think a lot of people suffering from depression feel angry at their situation and experience. It is a cruel and unfair thing, and indiscriminate, "picking on" anyone for no reason. I often feel angry that I struggle with depression but I too try to keep it hidden because I feel to let it out could be really destructive. And I guess keeping things hidden is a coping mechanism.

The second and third lines were a little confusing to me at first as I felt the full stop should be removed after the second line for this part to make sense. Now I think I get it but I'm still wondering if it would work better without the full stop, as if the depression "animal" is in the cage of smiles, unable to escape until the person stops hiding away their pain and starts talking to other people about what they are going through. This is just my opinion, of course, and I still think the idea of the depressed person being "caged" is a good one too -- it's just that the "animal" and "cage" image would go so nicely together. And I have to say, I absolutely love the phrase "cage of melancholy smile" -- this is such a striking image.

Stanza three

This part of the poem pretty much broke my heart! The sadness and the longing here is almost painful to read and I can truly relate to it. I think it is very natural to want people to notice and know something is wrong, but feeling too afraid to reach out in case they don't understand. That's such a sad thing and I think you have captured it beautifully.

The second line of this stanza was a little jarring to me because I feel that a word is missing after "overcome". At the moment it kind of leaves me thinking, overcome what exactly? I realise you mean the depression but something still feels missing here. I know adding in a word would impact negatively on the rhythm so perhaps you could come up with an alternative to the word "overcome", if you agree with my point? Off the top of my head, something like "battle through" might work.

I really like the unique image of depression being a "fearless dragon". It is often described as a "black dog" so I liked your spin on this. I can definitely relate to the image of it as a raging, fire-breathing dragon, rampaging about and causing destruction.

Stanza four

I love your couplet and how you have used it as a turning point for the poem. I feel the couplet of a sonnet should be used like this, to add a new perspective to what has gone before or to change the tone, offering the reader a different emotion. The poem is so sad but the couplet provides a note of hope and I'm glad you included that. I do not feel as worried about the narrator now! I think she has found an inner strength and that she will be able to find a way to be okay. This was a very satisfying end to the poem.

Closing thoughts and rating explanation

Thank you very much for sharing this strong and emotional poem. I got a lot out of reading it and enjoyed reviewing it in detail. I am rating it 4.5 stars because although I have made a few suggestions and pointed out some areas that maybe didn't work so well for me, I feel that on the whole it is a great piece of writing, beautifully expressed, with a strong message that really comes through. Thank you for sharing your work.

~Jess.



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .