Dear achawbaker
I am reviewing your "Invalid Item"  "Invalid Entry" . These are my observations about your work.



General Comments & Reader Reaction Found it easy to read there were a few spots that dropped readers from the story. I pointed them out under the Grammar section. The other issue with this chapter is you taper off the action instead of ending the chapter with Evan trying to kick Phyl that is a great cliffhanger.

Plot & Pace I am seeing more of the plot develop as Phyl is trying to find out who she really is. The pace is good and fast, even with the errors it still is a good read until the end then it falls flat.

Characters We meet Evan and Kenneth Locke. I dislike Evan he seems a worse scoundrel than his father. I like Kenneth Locke I think he is a pivotal character in the plot.

Setting & Imagery You kept us pretty much traveling and then the stable seen behind the Inn. The imagery was good and the settings believable.

Themes This chapter started out with the spiritual theme but lost it with Even's cruelty.

Emotion, Mood & Atmosphere The emotions of the characters are frightened, bullying, heroism, and love and concern. The mood of the chapter is an inner reflection over the mystery and that of new information. The atmosphere is hard to determine a lot of different things going on that confuse the water. Since I see the reason and also more clues of the developing plot this is important so I wouldn't worry over it.

Structure & Consistency Your consistent with your characters and settings. The structure was a little weak in this chapter.

Writing Style Your style is fine but the grammar is going to be interesting.
Grammar errors please click here. ▼

“I’ve never ridden before,” Phyl replied handing him a small roll of clothes. Put a comma after 'replied.' Example: “I’ve never ridden before,” Phyl replied, handing him a small roll of clothes.

He sighed, “Of course you haven’t. Falcon can hold us both for now but that will slow us down.” Put a comma between 'now' and 'but.' He sighed, “Of course you haven’t. Falcon can hold us both for now, but that will slow us down.”

When She felt a bit more comfortable her thoughts wandered. First change the capitol 'S' in she to lower case. I have two suggestions on the rest of this. Example 1: "When she felt a bit more comfortable, her thoughts wandered." Example 2: " When she felt a bit more comfortable, she allowed her thoughts to wander."

Keith had said that he learned who she was when he read the letter but how would that reveal anything. Put a comma after 'letter.'

She paled as she stammered out "Evan? What... What are you doing here?" You need a comma after 'out.'

She backed away from him but he followed and grabbed her arm. Put a comma after 'him.'

. she dare not lie though she had no hope of him believing her. Capitalize the 's' in it since she begins the sentence.

Shaking his head his face became grim and menacing. "I still don't know how pa managed it. You was just a little waif we pick up from some big house. First put a comma after 'head.' next wrong tense should be 'were' instead of was.

The young man made no sound but moved back in his way and gently pushed him back. You need a comma after 'sound.'

Evan frowned but had no come back. You need a comma after 'frowned.'

She looked warily at {c;red}Evan who was glaring at her but made no move so she accepted his help up. You need a comma after 'Evan' and 'her.'

Evan backed away, there had been no fight but something about this man seemed to frighten him. You need a comma after 'fight.'

“What is going on?” He asked walking over to them. You need a comma after 'asked.'

Kenneth hesitated but took Keith’s offered hand. “You’re welcome.” You need a comma after 'hesitated.'

Keith remained silent and pressed his lips together and led her to a table in the inn dining room. You are repeating and too many times allow me to make a suggestion. Example: " Keith remained silent, he pressed his lips together as he led her to a table in the inn dining room."

Favorite Lines “Keith, this is Mr. Kenneth Locke, Mr. Locke this is my husband Keith Linwood.” Phyl said. “I ran into my brother Evan. He was pushing me around and Mr. Locke came to my rescue.” I liked this part because it is exposing part of the plot and action to come.

Overall Impression & Conclusion: The chapter works and will flow better once you fix the errors. Overall the ending isn't peaking reader interest. I mean it doesn't look like Keith is going to tell Phyl just yet. The reader draw just isn't there now when we think Evan is going to kick Phyl now that is one heck of a cliffhanger. Ok I beat that dead horse time to shut up and move on.

Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your chapter in your book Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your chapter in your book.

Thanks for sharing this chapter! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this chapter. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a proud Dragon member of the P.E.N.C.I.L. Group.

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