Hello there,


First Impression

What my immediate thoughts are after the first read through.

My first impression, honestly, was to comment about my dislike toward the word bachelor, but the link between it and the last line asn't lost on me.


Favorite Part

The part or parts of your work that I enjoy the most.

I think stanza three was the strongest and most fitting. In the original poem, I feel that this is when things get changed up and the poem becomes much more dramatic. I enjoyed tearing through to the dead-bolt of my office door, followed up later by caused so great a violent quaking.

I also liked the part when the bachelor was talking to the sparrow for the first time and asks, "Are you wild, or are you tame?" and also the part where the bird flies mindlessly around before falling to the floor.


Grammar & Punctuation

General grammar and punctuation errors that I notice along the way.

I think that, in the spirit of making this more like The Raven, you might want to consider formatting it in the same way. For example, the first stanza of The Raven is as follows:

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.'

Your first stanza could easily be altered to be something like this:

Once upon a morning tired, I sat [and] thought [']til I perspired[,]
Over words of long ago, written many[,] many years before.
With my eyelids nearly hatching, suddenly [there] came a scratching[,]
As if someone were unlatching the dead-bolt [on] my office door.
[']Just the wind outside,['] I muttered, ['][blowing] 'round my office door [-]
Only wind and nothing more.[']

That being said, in re-formatting your poem and comparing it closely with the original, you might notice how the end lines are punctuated, how dialog is quoted, etc. Going line by line would probably be helpful.


Other Thoughts

Miscellaneous things I have to say that don't quite fit anywhere else.

You might want to also look very closely at the rhythm and flow of The Raven and try to clean up some of the rougher areas. For example, in the first line, while I pondered weak and weary rolls smoothly off of one's tongue. I feel as though, in comparison, I sat and thought 'til I perspired is much more harsh and doesn't quite flow as well together.

I think that the second line presents the same break in flow, as it has repeating words (many, many) that just isn't present in the original. I realize that this is a parody, but I also feel that because it's a parody you might want to consider making the flow more natural to the original, as that is the pace and flow that will immediately come to their mind when reading it.


My Opinion

My personal opinion about your work; the good, the bad, and everything between.

I think this parody has a lot of potential, but I think it needs a little bit more consistency to match with the original. I did like the ending and I do think there are a lot of interesting qualities to the story. Keep up the good work, and thank you for sharing it!