Hello, angeldarkness

I am pleased to offer you this review on your story"Invalid Item" that you entered for the "A Romance Contest - winners announced" . Please know these are just my thoughts and observations on your piece, and you may take what you find useful and disregard the rest. I was not a judge in this round. I am reviewing your story as judges and host we try to give feedback on every entry.


What I liked


The emotions you translated to the page were good. It is no easy task. I felt Charlie's pain. Having to choose between staying at home and obeying his parents or going out alone with no support is no choice at all. He lived by his parent's rules, but a break in the relationship began, and I as a reader wonder if it ever will be fixed. It is a universal story, conflict between parents and child. Not to dismiss Charlie's issues, but it can be anything.
In this case, it was the fact that Charlie is gay and was in a relationship. His parents caught them kissing, and they reacted quickly by cutting him off completely from his life. Changing high school is a major event for any kid, but in these circumstances, its effect made for very lonely last year for him. He escaped the constraints by getting a scholarship to a college across the country.
A sad situation for any family to go through.


Punctuation/Spelling:

Nothing glared. It was a smooth read for me.


Favorite Lines

Nate looked up in disbelief. "One does not simply ask the guy they are interested in out." He turned pink when he realized what he had said, but Charlie simply smiled.

For me this sums up the whole awkwardness of asking for a date. It has all the ingredients for something to laugh at later.

Initially, Charlie assumed it was a group thing, but read his friends discomfort and sought out the reasons why. Cute imagery, well done.

Suggestions/Comments

I enjoyed the story and the conclusion, it worked out for Charlie and Nate in the end, but what a road to get to that place. They have four years of college to get through keeping his relationship hidden from his parents. Although, I don't think this will be to difficult for Charlie. Or, it may fizzle out first love,is fickle, it may last, or not. The point is they could do so and that this hurdle was overcome.

In short story writing, we need to keep the plot moving forward. We want to get in some character growth, emotions and actions and reactions.
We need that to identify with a character or the problems faced we have to invest in them. I enjoyed the story, however I know with word count available there is room for more to be shown to the reader. I connected with Charlie but not the other characters.

When Charlie meet Nate in the diner, over a year later, I am sure that Charlie's heart would beat faster. They're had been no contact between them in over a year.
Nate could have shown a little more resistance, he had nothing from Charlie, since the night he awkwardly left him after the parents returned and caught them kissing. He has to have been hurt too.
After all he was the one who had the courage to ask Charlie out, so he acted on his feelings for Charlie.
Just build up a little tension. Show twisting fingers, a tentative hand reaching out to Nate. Make it melt his resistance. Although the story is written in third person limited with Charlie's point of view. You can bring out Nate's character through dialogue and physical movements.

Here is something else to think on as well

"What?" Charlie demanded, his head snapping up.

How does a head snap up? I thought it was going to turn into a zombie story. Just kidding. But then he muttered to his father, "His name is Nate, and you know that?"

So from a quick reaction to muttering, maybe Charlie should have shown a little more resistance to his overbearing father. His father called him son, not Charlie
Was his father in the military? The way he ordered Charlie about would seem he might have been. His parent's certainly didn't want to understand or accept Charlie was gay.

As always this is just suggestions, you take from it what you want. I see on your handle you are unwell, here's a get well wish from me to recover quickly.

Thank you for entering the contest, I hope to see more entries from you in future rounds.If you have any questions regarding my review, please e-mail me.


You have been reviewed by


Bonnie, Princess of Stark





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .