Meanwhile in the kingdom....

This is a great chapter that gives us a glimpse of what's going on in other places and shows how dragons and people interact (at least with this one particular dragon). Can't say I blame the people for being at war with the dragons. This guy, Kone, is kind of a jerk.

It's interesting how you break the chapter into two different viewpoints. It works within the chapter, but it's interesting to me because I would personally break it into two different chapters. (Of course, I may also use too many chapter breaks)

There are some interesting choices you've made in this chapter. First, the POV character for the first half, well, we all know what happens to her. Kind of a bummer. I liked her. Also, it's an interesting choice to have the second half POV character be the dragon and then not give us his name until the very end. It certainly makes the announcement of his name more dramatic, but it reminded me that I was reading a story instead of sitting inside it because I didn't know who I was relating to specifically. Not sure what a suitable compromise would be. I'll think about it and send you ideas if you are interested in them. If you're not, that's my thought on this artistic choice you made and you're the author, so you know best

Without further gilding the lily, and with no more ado:

Specifics!

...examining the seemingly never-ending wet blanket that was the cloud layer above them. This sentence seems clunky to me. Also, I've been told by others that there's no need to be uncertain in storytelling. Take ownership! As far as Bryant knows, the clouds are never-ending. I'd suggest rewording. An example might be ...Bryant examined the never-ending cloud blanket above them.

Ava says It gives me a chance to keep away from that man. then later on, she expresses her interest in engaging in a relationship with Lelio. Is there a particular reason she's interested in avoiding him? You don't seem to have specified.

...and with Jeremy soon to be shipped off to the military training camp (however his parents managed that) You haven't given us any reason to relate to the second part of this statement. Is being shipped off to the military training camp a good thing, raising one's status in the kingdom? Is it something that only rich or noble born men are able to attain, and thus, the disbelief at Jeremy being included in those forces? Have Jeremy's parents been trying to get rid of him for some time now and finally succeeded with this opportunity? (Did I miss this background in an earlier chapter and I've forgotten the reference?) If you haven't included this, omitting the second statement solves the problem.

The trick was convincing the fish to believe that he was the fish-er. All you boys think that we girls are sneaky and underhanded. Maybe it's more true than I'd live to admit....

she might just find that she'd chosen the wrong choice This sentence is awkward. Maybe chosen the wrong path or selected the wrong choice might read better.

Would she be a mage, hopefully finding her long-lost brother? Is her long lost brother relevant? with her part in the story so quickly ending, this seems like a superflous bit of information. Being a mage is kind of a reward in itself, yes?

Ava almost didn't believe herself... Didn't believe her eyes? Didn't believe what she was seeing? Didn't believe it herself? Any of these will make this statement more clear (though I know what you mean)

she looked up to find that the dragon was staring at her, and had been watching her as she ran How does she know he had been watching her run?

crushing the girl to death instantly. Here's a point where you seem to have stepped out of the POV you selected. You're telling this part from Ava's POV and suddenly, she's the girl, and no longer Ava. if you don't want to elaborate on her experience of being bitten in half by a dragon, I'd say you just substitute "her" for "the girl" and call it good.

He found and dealt with the two in the house Hmm... maybe Bryant survived? That would be interesting to see how he connects to Aiden eventually.

Then, the dragon turned his attention to the rest of the village This is the second instance of the dragon(instead of his name, Kone) The first time, I can write it off as a literary device to increase the surprise at the transition. The second (and subsequent times) I'm looking back in your writing to find out if I missed the name. Is there a way to incorporate it earlier?

The village militia was nothing to the dragon No wonder they need Aiden.

Also, very cool that Kone shoots lightning instead of just fire!

And the people thought that the dragons were just indiscriminately causing destruction. Not so! This guy is very deliberate.

others playing dead under the remains of the marketplace tents. Wow, he knows who's playing dead. This guy is smart!

animals may be able to bite their handlers, but they will be punished severely for it." Woah. Who spit in his bean curd?

How would this chapter be, told entirely from the POV of Bryant? It would eliminate the transition in the middle and give us a reason to nit find out Kone's name until the end. Just a thought.

I can't wait to find out if I'm right about Bryant having survived at all and what Aiden and Quinn will make of the attack. I bet they have a fight, unless Aiden sympathizes more with the dragons now because he knows what it's like to be one. Great work! As always, I'm looking forward to the next one.

~Robin

"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not." ~Dr. Suess

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